Holidays and Loneliness

Holidays:

Wonderful time with people I really feel has been my second family for the past few years. I've missed them... so long and I never really quite realized how much they meant to me till they just were not there. Christmas with two families who have just been an absolute joy and treated me like a son.

I'll be spending New Year with these families too. Crab and Prime Rib from the sounds of it. Games, laughter, stories, debate, jokes... i've missed it. Deeply.

Loneliness:

I guess you could say I was gone because I just could never really find a way to get another woman to fit in well with the family of an ex-girlfriend... in my head at least. I can't really say I tried too hard... part of me just doesn't really WANT to try. My fault. I guess I just was slightly embarrassed... for numerous reasons, yet none seem really important.

I said one thing in conversation: It wasn't the woman I wanted

I guess it makes sense... not trying, just letting things happen without any care, just... accepting of anything. Like giving up control over your life... not trying to actually build anything.

And just becoming more critical and callous over time was not something I liked. Nor do I think anyone else was liking it either.

So i'm alone.

Ah it has finally caught up to me. I don't feel single... at 1 AM this night... I feel alone.

A few feet from me a couple is asleep in their bed together.... it feels like everyone else I know has someone else.

This is a common feeling many people have, especially newly "alone" people. Typing this, and watching Richie Rich, helps...

But I can't help but examine why I did it, where I'm going, and what will be next. One day perhaps this will make some more sense and I will "get" this. For now this feels better.

It is time to feel this... what better time than during the holidays.

Time to feel it and just... let it wrap me in that cold embrace.

The truth is funny

Link To Picture

I don't blog as much as I should... I just don't like it because honestly this is my life and not every damn thing needs to go on the web.

I like things a little covered... taking it off later is just so much fun!

So there are three sides to me... always have been.

Good Side: Eagle Scout who does AID's and sex counseling on campus, generally is a good conversationalist who tries to be a rock for the people that need him.

Bad Side: The individual who has dreams of whole cities being blown to bits, all the elderly in the world disappearing, and rough sex involving language that would make a sailor blush.

Rational Side: If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter. This part examines every situation and tries to keep a cool aspect on himself... not emotion, just solution. It also looks at the death of millions of people as an opportunity to rebuild, or that the elderly being gone would ultimately save billions of dollars.

SO, what I just said probably accurately described EVERYONE.... but to me it makes me different. I love it... I LOVE my problems... and really am not happy if I'm not making more.

But (I started a sentence with BUT) somewhere down the line I guess I just started to push it down more... keep it hidden and not bring it out. A few relationships made me feel bad about the things I was doing... I was looking at marriage, kids, a job... and it just started to cover up... to hide.

But it didn't go away. I got angrier, more upset... tried to exact more control on the things and people around me because I was controlling the things in myself. I had this role to play, the responsibility to society, my family, and my friends... so I pushed all of this so deep down... because of guilt... because of responsibility... because of my desire to make people happy...

And it just kept creeping out.

Then the guilt....

It was just something (I refuse to say cycle) that kept going round and around....

Insta-suave anyone? Where the hell did that eye-catching, smooth talking, mouth watering, girl grabbing, pussy eating asshole go?

A casualty of war within myself sadly. So much doubt is unhealthy for an individual... It leads to regrets... and the last thing I want to do is regret something on my deathbed.

Reading what she wrote touched me immensely... and made me realize that some of the rules and restrictions I placed on myself over the years did nothing but hurt and harm me. It brought along so much doubt, misunderstanding, and self loathing that I was hurting not only myself... but those around me. All these questions, what was I looking for?

It wasn't Purpose I needed, Purpose is born from all my choices...

It wasn't God I was looking for, God's always been with me...

It wasn't Truth I wanted, Truth was always the journey...

I was looking for myself....

I'd like to say it is all shaken off and gone right now, but that will likely take time to break each and every single one of these chains I bound myself with... I likely can't be the same person anymore... but I won't continue being this shell.

I like this picture... it makes sense.

One Month At a Time

Man, I swear... I just seem to have put this off.

I'll say i'm just enjoying life so much that I just don't have time to post!

Well no... not really.

Actually I think this started when I got my new phone: Samsung i760

Very nice I think, though Verizon released the Curve... which would have been the Blackberry device I would have gone for.

Ah well, technology is ever-changing in the search for perfection... which... is odd because the only perfection is continuous change. (At least in this existence)

I also picked up a bluetooth headset, Stereo bluetooth, in order to listen to music on my walks home. It has been nice in this weather, and I will be sad to see this Summer come to a close.

Though to be honest I'm at this point where i'm just not sure what will be happening...

Querida and I have talked about our (potentially) last year here, and where we want to go next... but this last year will kick my butt if I need to take 17/18 credits to finish... i'm not very academically inclined so it will be rough going when all my time is taken up by school.

(Yeah, yeah, boo hoo, school is tough... but I just don't think I will be able to push myself to PASS all those courses... especially with that load.)

But I have applied for a job here, full time, as a Senior Computer Support Specialist. Very nice pay, very VERY close to what I want in a carreer. I want to give it a shot, but it would extend my school about 3 years.

Ups and downs about this. Alot of experience, but do I want to be here that long? What will happen with Querida and I? SO many questions... *sigh*

Well I still have to get past interviews... but if not i'll be taking out a HUGE loan to finish off this last year. Just so I can work less, and get to cracking on the books.

In the meantime i've been involved with many games and activities. My Wii, PC, and EXERCISING!

After the moving, and unpacking, life has settled in nicely. The house is in great condition, and our room mate and I have picked up exercising with another friend of ours. Doing about 1.8 miles every 2-3 days at the moment and it has done wonders. "Physically fit, Mentally awake, and Morally Straight."

RAWR!

I recommend exercise to anyone who is feeling low on energy!

Edit: Because I refuse to make more than 1 post in at least a month, i'm editing this one to put down an amazing quote.

I don't mind forking up 3 Fivers every month for a great game.. but some games even when great are repetitive. I could probably get a monthly handjob on the Harvard campus for less, and get more original "content" out of it. Developers really need to step up the Dynamic in "dynamic gameplay elements".

I present: http://www.olmmod.com/ Bloggity Blog Blog

Life so far.

Man so long since the last post, I guess it gets harder to update these things when all you want to do when you get home is just play your games.

I guess we hit finals after my last post, then once school was over we jumped into summer work right away. Alot of new computers, lifting, moving things around, evacuating business...

Then the tornadoes. Pretty active.

Lately, i've been doing a summer course called: Principles of Management, good course, like the textbook and the way the instructor teaches. It was just a four week class that took place 3 hours M-Th.

BUT! I did pick up Age of Conan, and I admit I am impressed. Great looking game, really good combat system, and the instancing/zoning really isn't all that big of a deal.

I just find it to be... the Walmart of MMORPGs. You get everything without any real effort. Don't have to invest much time, the combat system is pretty button mashy (it was redesigned 9 times for the xbox 360), and nothing else is really all the deep.

Crafting is low-end, questing is nice, but most of it just revolves around the combat sytem, and there is really no reputation or "grind" system in place.

I hear the guild system is great, but I have not gotten up that high on my PvP-Guild character yet to see it first hand. Soon.

Moving in with my girlfriend has probably been the biggest thing happening lately. Having her move upstairs with me is nice, but she REALLY has a lot of stuff. Been about a week now, going on 2, and not everything is completely put away yet. Still I really like it. Having her around really makes me happy and I find everyday and night more pleasant. Her pets are nice too, and for her birthday I bought her a new 40 gallon Turtle Tank for the two turtles she has. They have platforms and ramps for the turtles to "sun-bathe" on.

She is calling me right now: "Pookie?" so i'll keep this next part short.

Had to go to the dentist to have my wisdom teeth out, and I remember them putting me in the chair, putting in the IV, and once the Surgeon and his assistant came in, they introduced themselves and began setting up. I remember thinking, man this is taking a while... Closed my eyes.

Before I opened them again, I had the thought: I wonder if they are ready to start yet? And realised my mouth was packed full of Gauze, and I felt REALLY drowsy.

Odd experience. But things are going well. Hair is long. ^____^

Ah well, going to ATTEMPT to make these slightly more frequent, perhaps some AoC screenshots... OR even better... MASS EFFECT. <- Excellent game. More later.

Drink Drink Drink

Por que?

Well I remember last night, and things still seem good.

Far too much alcohol and I think the straight rum/vodka were what push things too far.

Get this: American Vodka.

Tasted like crap, but I, being the wonderful soul that I am, decided I should finish it because my friend didn't want it anymore.

I do the same with food, if it is not going to get eaten, or getting bad (and it still edible) i'll take it off their hands.

I'll have to not do that with alcohol again : /

Problem was it really upset my girl to not know where I was or what I was doing. I did completely just space that out after having far too much to drink, and about the time we put in Benny and Joon (probably about 3), I was at the toilet. Vomit, drink water, vomit, drink water, repeat. I heard everyone left and once I could look around without getting dizzy and upsetting my stomach I went and laid down to go to bed. At some point during the throwing up, both my legs fell asleep (below the knees) so it was fairly interesting trying to walk on nubs of wood... but I managed it, till they woke up again. kept cleaning off my hair, washing my mouth and nose, and repeating it all again.

Sadly I missed the movie with everyone :( and Dan+Carrie made sure I was ok before leaving... Carrie recommended I drink lots of water and I responded with "Really? I'll try that." I remember thinking in my head (Jeez that sounded sarcastic and you probably made her think you were a jack ass. HA throwing up like this and now your worried about being a jackass. But in the off chance that she manages to read this, I was not being sarcastic and it really did help, I actually started doing that after Dan and and she left.

Bleh, and here I was hoping I had figured out that magical amount
(get it? -> Linky)

But Water does help after drinking to prevent hangovers (possibly the vomiting too, but not recommended). The crackers I didn't get to try. *sad face*

So once every few months this happens, going out and I wind up drinking. Once every 6+months I get to see the toilet. I'm not sure why people do it on a regular basis, I know I couldn't afford it or even think about experiencing it more than once a year...

Still I know i'm avoiding the subject of talking about my girl's thoughts in this. She was, needless to say, quite pissed. It bothered her severely not to know where I was, or what I was doing. I stupidly left my phone on vibrate and on the floor in front of the couch, so it drove her nuts trying to figure out what I was doing. She called friends, and others trying to figure it out, and I was slightly miffed at it... but I did forget to tell her what was going on. I guess the part that bothers me most, is not the fact that I upset her drinking that much... but the fact that I don't want others to think badly about her for calling and getting frantic last night. I messed up on the communication part, and some of my closest friends had to put up with it... so I don't want them to think of her badly :(

Ha, you were drinking far too much, and don't want others to think of your girlfriend badly? Kind of arrogant of you to think others won't think badly of you!
I guess i'm not woried so much about my image basically because most people never see me in this state because I DON'T do it... well once a year so far (I think. Maybe this blog will help me keep track of those) Seems others found it quite humorous up until the toilet and the calling... But i've been working on trying to fix things up with my girlfriend and my friends for a bit... I don't quite understand what happened (in the past or more recently) but I wanted her to join me at that Korean movie night last night. But there is this fear of bringing her around... eye dagger feeling and I'm hoping that if others spend time with me more, they will be more accepting of her... cause honestly I don't know what it is about her that other people don't like.
Edit for clarification: This is a thought, not a fact that other people don't like her at all... my musing and an attempt to solve a problem... Chances are people are just fine with her and I don't see it. This would insinuate that something is wrong with me.

Getting hammered and acting like a monkey probably isn't the best way to go about it, but I was hoping that if I can spend time with these others and get an understanding of them, I might be able to solve it... but it gets kind of hard when I don't think there should be a problem in the first place. I miss hanging out with my friends alot and it seems like ever since i started dating Rose, i've had to isolate myself from them more because I can't include her. Some are willing, perhaps all are, and I've been trying to work on that with Rose... because leaving her alone on nights like last night just won't work... particularly when I think she would have enjoyed those movies.

Additions: Where is the problem? Her? Them? Both? Miscommunication that has just plain carried too far? What does it take to get this working nicely? I'll take the blame if that is the case... Perhaps I just always complain?

She means alot to me, I honestly have never found a girl I could so easily fall asleep with and just joke and play around like we do. Beautiful, Smart, Silly, Caring, and willing to learn video games so she can play with me... honestly I couldn't ask for better! Hell, I remember my last relationship and asking God for someone to love and here I got it! (More than I bargained for in some cases ^____^ ) But then this problem crept up and I trust ALL of my friends and try to understand their concerns and points of view... they really helped me out in my last relationship. I trust my girlfriend.... so I'm stuck trying to figure out what is going on. I seriously believe this is just a huge mess of miscommunication and worries/fears... what can I do?! Leave the woman I love at home to go be with friends I miss and love... or stay with the woman I love and miss my friends... Erica and Pat... I miss going out with them... Kyle too... Wonderful people, all of them. The age limit on bars usually restricts my girl from there:P

But... How do you solve a problem that you believe shouldn't exist in the first place? Perhaps the problem is with me? Am I painting a bad image of her in some ways? I worry about that at times... that my complaints are what people hear more... and not the goods.

San Manuel Bueno, mártir

We presented on the first part of: San Manuel Bueno, mártir

I brought up the topic that Don Manuel was insecure about his beliefs, that he didn't quite know what to believe, but still pushed on for the sake of the community. That the author, and one of the characters in the story, Angelina, was noticing this about Don Manuel and was feeling for him. The whole town believes him a saint, and his decisions and actions show him to be one of the most beloved people in the area. So I felt that his insecurities would devastate this community. The title suggests that he sacrifices for the people so that they might believe.

Well I talked with a friend of mine, briefly, after class. He had taken the class before and I showed him the NIV and KJ versions of 1 Corinthians ch 15 that I had printed out. Told him what they were for and his words were: "Is that the story about the priest that knows the secret of life. That he doesn't believe in Christ, but thinks that Christ knew the secret too?"

So I was wrong, but that wasn't what bothered me...

During the presentation no one talks, no one discusses. I present this possibility forward and no one says anything. We have not read that far in the book, so the idea might still be plausible, but no one discusses.

Hell my Spanish isn't all that great, and I stumble around trying to get people to talk, or point out these possibilities... but all it seems I get back is silence, and the few people who decide to laugh or giggle.

Not sure if they are laughing at me, either my ideas or poor Spanish. It hurt a lot more the first two presentations (Which I believe my thoughts/perceptions were wrong there too). This time it still bothered me, "How dare they laugh/mock when they refuse to discuss?!"

I don't care if I am wrong, but it's the ridicule without correction that bothers me more. It upsets me because everyone is afraid of being wrong. That is how I have interpreted it so far. No one speaks, no one discusses, and everyone just sits there waiting to be told something. I'm not sure if they were mocking me, or laughing at my bad Spanish. But they don't contribute.

It had a negative effect on my class participation after the first presentation. I participated, made wrong statements, but still kept going. Then after my first presentation, I guess I just decided to not bother because I was putting forth my effort and not getting anything worthwhile back.

Same went for my second presentation. I tried to get the class involved and to state what they believe, but they wouldn't. Laughter was present in that one, but even if I had wrong beliefs or statements, no one tried to correct it. No one said, "Actually this looks to be true." It felt like just laughter.

I didn't feel embarrassed because no one had anything to say. After the second presentation I guess I realized that it didn't matter if I was right or wrong, just that I tried and presented my findings forward. Any embarrassment would be on my shoulders and that I had a choice in whether or not I would bare it. I developed this saying to myself: I'm never wrong. I'm just right or I learn something new.

One of the chief feelings when one is wrong is embarrassment and I refuse the bare that. Not for people who won't make an effort into a discussion or risk being wrong themselves. I'll feel it for those that matter to me, for those that I injure, but it seems like the Academic World brands "wrong" or "misinformation" as a sin or taboo. Those who are wrong or present information badly are mocked and berated. I despise that, and refuse to play that game. I won't be subject to someone's ridicule and attempt to embarass me... particularly when they are unhelpful.

I'm in control of myself, no one else.
"You think you control your life?"
No, but I control my body. Knowledge is important, but like strength, others need to know how to use it. I have gotten the feeling that many people who "Know" mock and belittle those that don't. Is this the bully system again?

I won't lie, it hurts that this happened again... and perhaps I'm seeing things that were not there, or reading things wrong... but I am proud that I wasn't embarrassed this time, nor as angry.

I did learn something in this class.

Nicolás Cristóbal Guillén Batista

This man.
This is the man I am trying to understand at the moment. Trying to understand his beliefs and his ideals, in an effort to interpret his work: "No sé por qué piensas tú"

He decried the opression of the common man, fought against imperialism, and promoted communism. He was kicked out of cuba (for his writings and voice I believe) and allowed back in after 1959 when Castro took over.

I just don't know much other than that. Did he love Castro's system of communism? Did things turn out how he envisioned them? In the poem, is he stating that the soldiers of that time hated the common man? Was he trying to talk to soldiers in the future?

I just don't understand, I can see my own interpretation, which might be all that matters... but I don't know much at the time up till 1959. The poem was released in the collection: Cantos para soldados y sones para turistas (Songs for Soldiers and Sones for Tourists) but I feel like I need to know what things were like in cuba during that time. What prompted him to write this?

Bleh, thoughts, words, and understandings.

Harder and Harder

Man keeping up with this has been tough, i've violated my once a week rule and barely manage to make it 2 weeks. Trying!

I blame it on Vanguard, and possibly .hack//Sign.



The game is simply great, so much to explore and a great community to explore it with. Though, earlier this week my girlfriend noticed I was getting a bit grumpy and after some talking and careful consideration we came to the conclusion that I felt lonely in my digital life. There was so much to do, and though I have 3 friends who join me online in doing it, I guess at times I would find myself alone and unable to share the experience with anyone.

Many people play games for the excitement and high adventure, but typically I find myself enjoying the world, willing to grind for rewards or achievements... and I guess I feel that out of the group I play with, i'm probably one of the only ones that does that.

I immerse myself in the world.

Well I had been thinking about this mainly because watching .hack//Sign you get to meet characters who participate in an online MMO called "The World". Each character plays the games for different reasons, and a character "BT" constantly points out that they play the game to fulfill things they could not accomplish in real life.

So this has made me thoughtful, I understand I really enjoy playing in these worlds, but I have begun to try and understand WHY?

I enjoy it, yes, but is that really all it is? I doubt it... some other things for consideration

HeKtic

Well things are going pretty much full speed right now. A month before Finals and I have 2 projects and 2 five page papers that have to be done before the first of May.

Project 1: Trying to finish an internship database project for my IMGT 3450 class. I'm project manager and trying to organize things so we can connect an existing database to our current Web-User Interface.

Project 2: I'm one of 500 people in the world competing in Microsoft's I.T. Competition. Their project is due in May, so I want to get my proposal ready and done to turn in before May 1st.

Essays: Two 5 page papers for my Spanish Literature class.... No me gusto. I have one done, but it needs revision so I can get better than a C on it. The second one has yet to be written and I'm trying to figure out how I am going to write 5 pages on a poem by Nicolás Guillén. "No sé porqué piensas tú" Que lastima....

Busy Busy Busy... not to mention my addiction to Vanguard :P

Nah it isn't that bad, because i've managed to place some priorities straight. Just wish I could have it all done with a snap of my fingers so I could just play vanguard, get money without having to work, and not have to pay for anything.

Throw in some angel wings and the ability to save the world from oncoming doom and my life would be set!

Ah well, guess i'll finish up a Lab early so I don't have to work on it tonight.

Oooh Boy

Man have things been a while. Lately i've been caught up in a game called Vanguard: Saga of Heroes. The game is well done and there are actually Three Spheres of leveling in it.

Crafting, Diplomacy, and Adventuring. So far most of my friends seem to enjoy the Adventuring and Crafting... but all of the seem to shy away from Diplomacy!

Well I for one find it amusing, filled with tons of information about the storyline of the game, and just plain fun to do.

*sigh* ah well, different strokes for different folks. Anyways, the game has been great. Not only is it just plain fun, it is HUGE. Seriously. So far anywhere I can see, I can get to. Tops of mountains or out into the ocean. I've seen players sailing around the lakes and rivers on their boats, and from the looks of it they seem to hop between islands in them too. We are not talking about "hop in boat and computer takes you" type of thing, no, you actually get to control it.

Another thing I notice is the availability of mounts at level ten to help you cross the large tracks of land. Very helpful, and yet at the same time they are not too fast to make you feel like you zip everywhere. Much of my time has been spent running between cities and suddenly the sun will come up and I can look out across the ocean and see an amazing sight! Very pretty.

Also, there are rentable gryphons! And once more it isnt: "rent and computer controls you to next city"... NO! you actually rent them for 25 copper for 5 minutes and can fly to wherever you need to go. They go really fast, so it is plenty of time. It is also one of the bst ways to actually see how BIG everything is.

All in all I have to say it is very cool, and so far been alot of fun.


Well, i'll try to keep on posting more often if this game doesn't eat me! My Querida was in Vancouver this week during spring break, and I just wrote her an email detailing my adventures in the world of Telon. Maybe i'll post it here later.

Short Test!

Political Post

I have got to say, these videos I found are fairly intriguing. Politics always seem so useless to me, and it was alway my opinion that a leader could be a politician, but not all politicians were leaders.

So I stumble across these videos and find a message from an individual who would be our next president. The first question I ask is: Is he a leader?

I look at his messages and his goals and I ask: Is he a leader?
I look at those people that support him and I ask: Is he a leader?
I look at the critics and his opposition and I ask: Is he a leader?


Watching this video, I can see the word H.O.P.E. and it catches my attention. It isn't a promise of new economy and more money... or better health care. While those exist, the most important thing I want a leader to give is strength to his people. The ability and power to allow them to open doors and make changes the people want. I want someone to give inspiration and hope.



I see this message, and though it is real ("50 dollars an hour") it doesn't inspire us. It doesn't make the people feel better. Reality... it is there... but we are weighted down by reality every day, and I don't need a leader enforcing it. I'm a supporter of logical or pragmatic thinking... of using reason and sound judgment to make my decisions. I, an individual and member of society, promote this. I am the responsibility and sound judgment, but I want my leader to be the Hope and Power.

Maybe all those promises can not be completed...
Maybe the people are getting too enthusiastic...
Maybe this is all just going to disappoint me...

but I'm not going to let Maybe stop me from trying.

________________
________________
And last, I saw this and I had to enjoy it. Both my parents were in the military and I remember a time when I was debating on joining too. Humorous considering I'm comparable to those guy's with the IPhone. Respect and Thanks to those who understand they will one day lay their lives on the line for the people of this country.

I forum too much...

So I saw a post: And the WoW killer will be …. at MMORPG.com and couldn't resist replying.

I don't like these topics, but I too must admit I have given it thought and have
come to my own conclusions.

Let’s look at other markets and use them as a comparison to the MMO market. Also, please understand that my knowledge of all topics isn't perfect, and so most of my thoughts are based on theories that are based off "What I Know". As you correct me, or add in information, I add to my knowledge and adjust the theories accordingly.

Let’s analyze the book/novel industry. (In a short shotgun approach)

I'll take a look at the release of Lord of the Rings by Tolkien, and then subsequent releases by C.S. Lewis, Phillip Pullman, and perhaps an endless list of fantasy authors. Fantasy dominates the market.

Now let’s fast forward to revolutionary new genre of Sci-fi. 1984, Stranger in a Strange Land, and Canticle for Leibowitz.

Messy... I know. But in comparison I'd say the fantasy MMO Genre is now full, if not overly full, of fantasy based games. This doesn't mean EVERYONE is looking for something new, but it does suggest that everyone is willing to try something new.

With releases of FPS games, Planet Side, or perhaps MMORPG's like Tabula Rasa... we start to break into a new genre where combat with long range weapons and future sci-fi abilities are primary. With each game, you get new ideas on how to improve an existing system. These games might not be "Spectacular" at first, but as time progresses... they get better.

They get better like: Fantasy MUDs->Ultima Online->Everquest->DAoC->WoW->Take your Pick (Some might think I’m skipping alot of games, but this is just an example. Admittedly there are probably many more that helped further enhance and define the MMORPG Fantasy genre.)

So... let’s say people are READY for a different genre of MMORPG... I'd say the perfect place to go to is the Sci-fi genre. It worked in the past and I'm sure it will work again... it just takes that sequence of games to help define and mold another "WoW".

So...The next WoW killer/Successor? I say it will be a Sci-fi type of game. And if
Blizzard, the biggest player in the MMO market, is an intelligent money
making machine, I believe they will try something OTHER than fantasy. Why?
Because it is alot easier for players like me to justify keeping two different MMO accounts if they are two different Genres. Some days I like my sword and
board, others I like my laser rifle and space ship.

This doesn't mean some other company can't come along with a better Fantasy MMORPG, but I do think they will want to avoid being compared to WoW, and therefore try a different genre. And if Blizzard wants to be the best, I say they will need to design a new futuristic MMO that hits just as hard as WoW did, but not force their WoW player base to have to choose between Fantasy and... Fantasy.

WoW has probably fully tapped the Fantasy market and when more money is the name of the game... I think Sci-fi will be where most companies will look at.

Episode 2

I just managed to finish Half Life 2: Episode 2 and am still utterly floored by how absolutely engrossing it is. I've never really played a game like this where one FEELS for the characters. For me, this is on par with Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series and Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series.

"Good thing you've got your hazard suit on. This stuff's nasty.
Got room for two in there?"

Lately, in many games you have control over what happens to your character, and generally decisions are given to you, the player, and the outcome of the world weighs heavily on your shoulders.

In the Halflife series, you are not given choices... you, Gordan Freeman, are whisked through this world and placed in a myriad of sticky situations that require the use of your head, your environment, and other people around you to get through.

Sound familiar? - Life.
This is one of the few games that gives us a mirrored (perhaps funhouse mirrored) version of our world. We are not given ultimate choices and our decisions are not deemed right, wrong, good, or evil"... we are just given situations that we have to do our best to get out of, and try not to get others hurt along the way. We are not the final word in the world, but are a part of it.

This is the draw of Half Life. Like my novels, you, the player/reader, get to live the lives of these characters but really have no choice in what happens. You don't get to choose if you want to save this girl, the character IS going to do it! The only thing you can do is try to dodge as many bullets as possible to get it done. This isn't your story, and these are not your decisions... but you do get to see what it is like in the shoes of Gordan Freeman.

I have shelves (albiet digital shelves) of games that promise full control to "do what I want" and "change the world" or state: "Your decisions actually affect the world around you!"

... but I don't think that is what makes a great game at all. I make decisions every day and get to live with the consequences of my actions... giving me a game where I get to make any decision, but don't have to live with it if I want just makes it unplayable. You keep restarting, or perhaps you go back and try multiple paths... then get to decide which on you thought was better... it totally removes that feeling of BEING a character. You lose the immersion and that character is just a shell you occupied for a short amount of time.

But this... this is a story about a man who is admired; who is looked to as a beacon of hope and a pillar of strength. He isn't just some character you played, because you can look back at the game and see those other characters staring at you, looking into your eyes, and asking you for help.

This is truly pulling me out of this world, and allowing me to escape and enjoy myself. I don't need my decisions to decide the fate of the world or label me as good or evil... it is enough when my decisions decide the fate of my life, or eventually the life of my family. A game or a great piece of literature is supposed to grab me and make me part of the world... not allow me to make the world into whatever I want...

Yeah, they call me Gordan Freeman... but I think that is why we play games or read great novels in the first place. To become someone else and visit another world. Changing your name is only the first step, and I think Valve has done an excellent job in whisking us away on an adventure that is just out of our control, yet so real and exciting that you really don't care. You just want to see what life is like in this person's shoes.

Excellent Job Valve.

Cosplay!

SO I want to cosplay... the urge just sort of came over me. My first thought today was to try and recreate the joker costume for the upcoming Dark Knight movie.

Perhaps wear it on the day of release all over campus. ^___^

Failing that, I might see if there is a Cosplay coming up sometime in Denver or close by and attend that as some anime character that is Sexy and Powerful... A while back I was looking at some Kadaj costumes from Final Fantasy Advent Children... I just have the slim figure and thought I could pull off the costume well.

Hrm... no clue. Might wind up picking another character from a video game I play! I need to give this a little bit more thought, and probably see if my girl would be interested ^___^

The Sword and the Forge

When I was a boy, I wanted to be a blacksmith.

I dreamed I would forge quality swords, that I was back in the middle ages working on weapons in the woods.

Weapons of excellent design. Weapons of such good quality that people all over the world would want one and would be proud to own one... or even know someone who owned one.

I was born in the 20th century, a man in the 21st century, and unlikely at this time to pick up blacksmithing. It is no longer the age of Arthur and swords are more of a novelty or collector's item.

I didn't stop forging though...

I feel it every time I shape myself... change myself.
The hammer on metal, the heat of the forge, the desire to be that perfect weapon... that perfect being.

This shaping takes a lifetime though, and each time the hammer meets the blade I feel the change take shape. I hear the metal ring in my ears, and I sense my body and mind have become something better...something truer.

*CLANG*
I feel my whole being shake and something new has happened to me... some new understanding.
*CLANG*
I can see the hammer meet the metal, the anger of metal on metal. The shower of sparks.
*CLANG*
I can feel the heat around me, I can feel the glowing blade shining in the dark.
*CLANG*

This is what I see and feel. I forge myself with every mistake, every truth, and every acheivement. I feel myself burned, heated, and remade again and again... always getting better. Each time the hammer hits it stays with me and sings throughout me.

There is no beginning or end to this process, it takes my whole life... possibly past that into my whole existance. There is not parts to it, as each part contributes to the whole. Perfection will be pulled from every piece, and all together this forms a unique design... nothing else like this.

When I felt tired today, I felt the forging...
I saw and heard the hammer hit the steel...
I suddenly understood that I am getting better...
Not yet perfect and possibly not in anytime I can see...

I felt the hammer hit the steel and I understood.

This time of my life will be tough, it will bring me to tears, but it will make me better.

Always Better.

WAAAGH!!!!

Dat iz roight, meeb ab bin fortunate enough ter git inta da Warhamma Online Beta.

Lotsa testin', gamin', an input from mi end!

^____^






Ow this will affect mi skool, well i striv ter make sur it won't 'urt skool or wurk...

Mi relationship?

well... erk-snorggg... >.>

she might nub loike meeb disappearin' fer large intervals o' frey time >.>

^_____^ *'appy danz*

Self Centered

"Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to"

I can never really say I had someone I looked up to and wanted to be. I found some people intriguing... or perhaps things about them were intriguing.

"I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs"
A lonely place to be"

Since I had been a child I felt alone and those I had trusted had betrayed me. Parent's divorced before I was born, and parents divorced when I was young. Moving to a school where you were mocked and picked on if you cried... a culture where the man was important. Be a man! Women were tough too... Young crushes were always hurting me, whether cheating on me with my best friend, my sister, or just using me to fill the place of some other guy who was long gone. I never really fit in...

"And so I learned to depend on me"

The only thing I could do was stand firm against it all and not let it drag me down. I remember mom showing me how to defend myself, even if it meant the death of another. I remember becoming sexually active/involved at a young age so that I "KNEW" things more than some others. In my eyes, I became strong, firm, and able to do anything. To take on the world.

"I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I lived as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity"

I was told I was self centered tonight... came home and typed: "am I self centered" into google. Many different results came up, a lot of them blogs, but one really interested me:

http://www.intentblog.com/archives/2007/03/the_new_definit.html

Particularly:

"Self Centered (new): someone who is completely grounded and secure in one’s own awareness and ready to take on the world.

Common attributes: irresistibly attractive, tastefully confident, overflowing with creativity, magnetically passionate, genuinely caring, unexplainably inspiring, refreshingly open minded, and curiously explorative."

I believe I fit much of that definition in all of my life. I realize I'm not the most knowledgeable, the most cultured, or the best in everything... but I believe I can say I fit this criteria in every part of my life.

"What about your love life?"
Oh...

For all friends, co-workers, classmates, room mates, or even family I can be seen this way.
However... I am beginning to wonder if I am truly the same way toward my Significant Other...

When you get close to someone... they get to see those things that make you who you are. My friends, room mates, and in some cases family might never see some of these things. It is the woman you begin to share ideas, beliefs, and bed with that gets to know you.

"And she made him sleep on her knees...
and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head:
. . . and his strength went from him."
(Judges 16:19)

So I'm not bald... but I find myself losing the strength and control I once had when around her. I sometimes feel as if I am trying to take care of someone who always needs to be pampered and told how beautiful she is or how much I love her.

Here I am, an individual who has pushed so far on his own, a good friend and son, a person who has solved problems, and an individual who has had to self soothe. But I seem to have difficulty in controlling my temper and unable to constantly do these things for her.

Singing for her, holding her in my arms because I find I can easily go to sleep there, and even giving up time with the boys to spend time at a social gathering of hers... but sex has become difficult as I have become more annoyed at her constant need for verification... I've come to see sex as just a form of verification for her and it has become less appealing to be with her... I feel as if I am not doing things correctly elsewhere in our relationship or that I am just coddling a childish behavior.

Others might continue to do things childishly or stupidly... and I will just go along with it and not get upset. Granted, I try to gently nudge and fix it... but I never get upset.

With her... I find this tougher. I find myself with a shorter fuse and less willing to put up with some things I don't like. Compromise? Adjust? I just don't see it, particularly when it hits 2 am and I am dead tired... have been all week... and she wants attention. I'm at her place, after spending a night at her social event, attempting to hold her in my arms while I sleep... but it isn't good enough.

Boy was that a bad fight...

Short fuse with her lately... particularly when she starts saying I'm going to break up with her. I kind of take that as a possibility that she might want that... that it might make us both happier.

I love being around her, sleeping with her, and the sex is amazing... but this constant need for attention and verification stretch me thin. I have continued to feel as if I am just not doing the things I want to do (such as game) because I'm too busy during the week with school, work, and homework. 8-5 every day, then (if i do my homework right away) 5-8/10... Then I usually spend time with her.

She insists that she has given up so much and I have given nothing back... that I am selfish. Perhaps... I am trying to finish my last 3 semesters and get good grades, i'm working every day from 8-5 (with classes in between), involved in SexPERTS, and soon to be involved with another program to distrubute student funds into campus technology. I just find myself with so much less time to do the things I want... YES tonight was fun, I had a great time. But i keep feeling i'm just not doing some of the things I want.

I still blame school... schooling I don't want but need to finish for my plans in the future. However I realise that ultimately it is my fault in some way and that I must do something to balance all this properly.

If I was just working from 8-5 things would be easier

But not yet... *Sigh* I just wish she acted a bit more independently... when she walks into a roomwith intention/goals/purpose... she is so attractive and sexy. When she clings to me for verification... it just lights that fuse.
I want her to see herself the way I do: Smart, sexy, funny and great in bed: Amazing.

"Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I've found the greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"

Second Post

Alright, so I was just having too hard of a time doing all the coding for my last template, and decided to switch to a more organized form...

I want to display my own backgrounds (i'm probably going to have a rotating background every time someone visits the blog or daily/weekly)

BUT the background I had before was just too conflicting with my text/dates and so forth. Trying to put things in boxes just made me decide to switch to a different template (like this one) and see if I can get my backgrounds in a different way. (Though I did get to understand the coding blogger uses very well ^___^)

... i've been bad... should be doing homework >.>

Bleh, too green I think, but this will change once I get my homework done!

Must... Get... Homework... *choke*

First and Foremost

I've never been an avid poster, partially due to how much I move about during work/school, but this will be an attempt to at least get one thing down a week. Whether it be musings about a video game, life, or society in general.

Now onto design...