Johari!!!!

What do you see me as?
Good Qualities:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=LiquidWolf

Bad Qualities:
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=LiquidWolf

Go on, to all my pesonal friends, give it a go. :)

Prescribe Me Laughter. Prescribe Me Expression!

Strange...

Earlier this morning I was feeling great... then as the day slowly wore on, I noticed time just seemed to slow to a crawl and I felt myself getting... downer... by the minute.

Unmotivated, unexcited, un... everything. I tried getting up and moving around, but that didn't help. I tried focusing on one project, then another... but that didn't help.

Then I went and read a joke:

A famous psychiatrist told his wife: "I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague."

Wife: " But you are the best psychiatrist, aren't you?"

Psychiatrist: " Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!"

I smiled and laughed, time seemed to speed up, and suddenly things around me looked more interesting. I proceeded to peruse the internet for more material, suddenly intrigued that this helped. A few jokes made me smile, others made me laugh:

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

I got up, went and got a mountain dew... and noticed that caffeine didn't exactly seem to help... it made me jittery, yet my mind still felt like it was in some sort of numb state.

I decided I would blog about it, and as I began writing, describing, and thinking... I began feeling good again. I looked at the clock and noticed time was speeding up.

I've come to conclusion that letting it out, something, anything... just expressing your feelings seems to be the way to get over many of these "easier" low points.

Laughter worked because I was suddenly no longer trying to control myself. I wasn't keeping IT in. Blogging is working because i'm processing the emotion, coming up with ways to describe it and analyzing it. Burning my feelings like a fuel.

Expressing it. Fedex Expressing it.

Now, every time I glance at the clock, I see the minutes tick by in what feels like seconds. Thoughts churn through my head on what I want to work on next, and the caffeine is boosting the current desire to get something worthwhile done.

I've submitted about 20 computer problem reports for our techs to work on, prepared a few test machines for an adobe patch we need to test, and now i'm going to tackle an expensive scanner that just doesn't do what it should be doing.

Laughter is the best medicine.
A blog a day keeps the depression away.

Just go express it. Burn it. Use it.

P.S.
My shirts are getting tighter. O.o

My Mirror, My Sword, and My Shield

Where to go from here?

I kneeled in front of the mirror... knowing where my heart wanted to be, but trying to understand where I had to go next. It's a scary thing...

I'm holding myself at the edge of a cliff.
The winds are rushing around me,
I'm doing my best not to fall forward,
and yet I'm determined to not walk away.

Waiting for those hands to reach out and grab mine...

I look away whenever I hear that thought that it might never happen...
Not like I don't want to face the truth... but that I am going to hold out as long as possible...
I won't give up. My heart won't let me...

But I won't just wait...
I won't waste my life...

I found myself putting Viva La Vida on repeat... It is second to Leave Out All The Rest.

I want my life to be worthy of the reason I am here.
I want to paint this beautiful picture.... write this wondrous story...

If it is the choice of God that I am here, then I want show him something wonderful.
If it is a random sequence of events, then I will take advantage of this opportunity.

I want to make this beautiful...

I'm looking around me, standing on this cliff, and wondering what is next.
I almost feel stuck, so how do I move forward? What is next for a good life?

Debt free? Home? Degree? - These things don't make a good life, just a smart life. They are tools and positions which give you more options.

Many will rarely take advantage of these options to create a good life. One doesn't even need these things to make a good life. I guess one of these things will have to be the next choice for now... consolidate, regroup, build up... It won't hurt, but I do wish the next step would appear before me. Life feels like it is getting shorter... oddly enough...

So... now I think... what is next?

While I wait on this cliff... and I consolidate my position...

Where is that next step!?

I WANT TO FIGHT!!!!

RAWR!!!

All day i've just wanted to pick a fight... get into an arguement... arm wrestle... something.

Something aggressive and strenuous.

I don't quite get it, but it is definately messing with my head.

So i've been looking at the costs for Half Acre to have SOMEWHERE to go to do something.

I'm tossing it around because as a part time student (Free class) I get to only pay 52.50 a semester as opposed to 192.00 anually as staff.

Good deal... but I need to use it... REALLY need to use it... like 3 times a week...

5-6:30 I'm thinking.

I want a track to run I think... place to do pushups/situp/pullups... etc.

At the moment I just feel like biting someone!

That Icy Grip

I awoke this morning to silence.

Being sick and unable to get sleep lately.... I completely missed my morning.

My room mate had already left for work and I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what my day was going to be like.

I felt that icy grip of loneliness grip me... I realised with sudden horror that I could wind up spending all my day doing nothing... alone.

That feeling begins to grip harder and I just....

Stop.

I didn't want to be this person anymore. It was boring, exhausting, and annoying. I was tired of feeling this way. I spent so much time sick and feeling mentally and physically beaten down... so I shutdown and did some repairs and improvements... the final one came this morning with the understanding that I can and will change my situation in life.

So I'm going to change my world. Starting with my home.

I'll update this post with pictures and more info later today.

UPDATE:

So I got a little done... I found changing things around proved to be emotionally harder than I thought... I walked out to collect myself... spent some great time with a good friend of mine and had cookies...

Then on my way home I ran into ANOTHER friend and we went out to have a beer and a few shots.

Bad!

It got me all sorts of emotional and upset... I wound up having a long conversation with a La Scorchita about some things...

And the world began to make a little more sense.

Still cleaning up around here... moved clothes around and got a few piles of stuff together.

Tomorrow There will be more!

The truth is funny

Link To Picture

I don't blog as much as I should... I just don't like it because honestly this is my life and not every damn thing needs to go on the web.

I like things a little covered... taking it off later is just so much fun!

So there are three sides to me... always have been.

Good Side: Eagle Scout who does AID's and sex counseling on campus, generally is a good conversationalist who tries to be a rock for the people that need him.

Bad Side: The individual who has dreams of whole cities being blown to bits, all the elderly in the world disappearing, and rough sex involving language that would make a sailor blush.

Rational Side: If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter. This part examines every situation and tries to keep a cool aspect on himself... not emotion, just solution. It also looks at the death of millions of people as an opportunity to rebuild, or that the elderly being gone would ultimately save billions of dollars.

SO, what I just said probably accurately described EVERYONE.... but to me it makes me different. I love it... I LOVE my problems... and really am not happy if I'm not making more.

But (I started a sentence with BUT) somewhere down the line I guess I just started to push it down more... keep it hidden and not bring it out. A few relationships made me feel bad about the things I was doing... I was looking at marriage, kids, a job... and it just started to cover up... to hide.

But it didn't go away. I got angrier, more upset... tried to exact more control on the things and people around me because I was controlling the things in myself. I had this role to play, the responsibility to society, my family, and my friends... so I pushed all of this so deep down... because of guilt... because of responsibility... because of my desire to make people happy...

And it just kept creeping out.

Then the guilt....

It was just something (I refuse to say cycle) that kept going round and around....

Insta-suave anyone? Where the hell did that eye-catching, smooth talking, mouth watering, girl grabbing, pussy eating asshole go?

A casualty of war within myself sadly. So much doubt is unhealthy for an individual... It leads to regrets... and the last thing I want to do is regret something on my deathbed.

Reading what she wrote touched me immensely... and made me realize that some of the rules and restrictions I placed on myself over the years did nothing but hurt and harm me. It brought along so much doubt, misunderstanding, and self loathing that I was hurting not only myself... but those around me. All these questions, what was I looking for?

It wasn't Purpose I needed, Purpose is born from all my choices...

It wasn't God I was looking for, God's always been with me...

It wasn't Truth I wanted, Truth was always the journey...

I was looking for myself....

I'd like to say it is all shaken off and gone right now, but that will likely take time to break each and every single one of these chains I bound myself with... I likely can't be the same person anymore... but I won't continue being this shell.

I like this picture... it makes sense.

One Month At a Time

Man, I swear... I just seem to have put this off.

I'll say i'm just enjoying life so much that I just don't have time to post!

Well no... not really.

Actually I think this started when I got my new phone: Samsung i760

Very nice I think, though Verizon released the Curve... which would have been the Blackberry device I would have gone for.

Ah well, technology is ever-changing in the search for perfection... which... is odd because the only perfection is continuous change. (At least in this existence)

I also picked up a bluetooth headset, Stereo bluetooth, in order to listen to music on my walks home. It has been nice in this weather, and I will be sad to see this Summer come to a close.

Though to be honest I'm at this point where i'm just not sure what will be happening...

Querida and I have talked about our (potentially) last year here, and where we want to go next... but this last year will kick my butt if I need to take 17/18 credits to finish... i'm not very academically inclined so it will be rough going when all my time is taken up by school.

(Yeah, yeah, boo hoo, school is tough... but I just don't think I will be able to push myself to PASS all those courses... especially with that load.)

But I have applied for a job here, full time, as a Senior Computer Support Specialist. Very nice pay, very VERY close to what I want in a carreer. I want to give it a shot, but it would extend my school about 3 years.

Ups and downs about this. Alot of experience, but do I want to be here that long? What will happen with Querida and I? SO many questions... *sigh*

Well I still have to get past interviews... but if not i'll be taking out a HUGE loan to finish off this last year. Just so I can work less, and get to cracking on the books.

In the meantime i've been involved with many games and activities. My Wii, PC, and EXERCISING!

After the moving, and unpacking, life has settled in nicely. The house is in great condition, and our room mate and I have picked up exercising with another friend of ours. Doing about 1.8 miles every 2-3 days at the moment and it has done wonders. "Physically fit, Mentally awake, and Morally Straight."

RAWR!

I recommend exercise to anyone who is feeling low on energy!

Edit: Because I refuse to make more than 1 post in at least a month, i'm editing this one to put down an amazing quote.

I don't mind forking up 3 Fivers every month for a great game.. but some games even when great are repetitive. I could probably get a monthly handjob on the Harvard campus for less, and get more original "content" out of it. Developers really need to step up the Dynamic in "dynamic gameplay elements".

I present: http://www.olmmod.com/ Bloggity Blog Blog

The Sword and the Forge

When I was a boy, I wanted to be a blacksmith.

I dreamed I would forge quality swords, that I was back in the middle ages working on weapons in the woods.

Weapons of excellent design. Weapons of such good quality that people all over the world would want one and would be proud to own one... or even know someone who owned one.

I was born in the 20th century, a man in the 21st century, and unlikely at this time to pick up blacksmithing. It is no longer the age of Arthur and swords are more of a novelty or collector's item.

I didn't stop forging though...

I feel it every time I shape myself... change myself.
The hammer on metal, the heat of the forge, the desire to be that perfect weapon... that perfect being.

This shaping takes a lifetime though, and each time the hammer meets the blade I feel the change take shape. I hear the metal ring in my ears, and I sense my body and mind have become something better...something truer.

*CLANG*
I feel my whole being shake and something new has happened to me... some new understanding.
*CLANG*
I can see the hammer meet the metal, the anger of metal on metal. The shower of sparks.
*CLANG*
I can feel the heat around me, I can feel the glowing blade shining in the dark.
*CLANG*

This is what I see and feel. I forge myself with every mistake, every truth, and every acheivement. I feel myself burned, heated, and remade again and again... always getting better. Each time the hammer hits it stays with me and sings throughout me.

There is no beginning or end to this process, it takes my whole life... possibly past that into my whole existance. There is not parts to it, as each part contributes to the whole. Perfection will be pulled from every piece, and all together this forms a unique design... nothing else like this.

When I felt tired today, I felt the forging...
I saw and heard the hammer hit the steel...
I suddenly understood that I am getting better...
Not yet perfect and possibly not in anytime I can see...

I felt the hammer hit the steel and I understood.

This time of my life will be tough, it will bring me to tears, but it will make me better.

Always Better.