Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The truth is funny

I don't blog as much as I should... I just don't like it because honestly this is my life and not every damn thing needs to go on the web.

I like things a little covered... taking it off later is just so much fun!

So there are three sides to me... always have been.

Good Side: Eagle Scout who does AID's and sex counseling on campus, generally is a good conversationalist who tries to be a rock for the people that need him.

Bad Side: The individual who has dreams of whole cities being blown to bits, all the elderly in the world disappearing, and rough sex involving language that would make a sailor blush.

Rational Side: If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter. This part examines every situation and tries to keep a cool aspect on himself... not emotion, just solution. It also looks at the death of millions of people as an opportunity to rebuild, or that the elderly being gone would ultimately save billions of dollars.

SO, what I just said probably accurately described EVERYONE.... but to me it makes me different. I love it... I LOVE my problems... and really am not happy if I'm not making more.

But (I started a sentence with BUT) somewhere down the line I guess I just started to push it down more... keep it hidden and not bring it out. A few relationships made me feel bad about the things I was doing... I was looking at marriage, kids, a job... and it just started to cover up... to hide.

But it didn't go away. I got angrier, more upset... tried to exact more control on the things and people around me because I was controlling the things in myself. I had this role to play, the responsibility to society, my family, and my friends... so I pushed all of this so deep down... because of guilt... because of responsibility... because of my desire to make people happy...

And it just kept creeping out.

Then the guilt....

It was just something (I refuse to say cycle) that kept going round and around....

Insta-suave anyone? Where the hell did that eye-catching, smooth talking, mouth watering, girl grabbing, pussy eating asshole go?

A casualty of war within myself sadly. So much doubt is unhealthy for an individual... It leads to regrets... and the last thing I want to do is regret something on my deathbed.

Reading what she wrote touched me immensely... and made me realize that some of the rules and restrictions I placed on myself over the years did nothing but hurt and harm me. It brought along so much doubt, misunderstanding, and self loathing that I was hurting not only myself... but those around me. All these questions, what was I looking for?

It wasn't Purpose I needed, Purpose is born from all my choices...
It wasn't God I was looking for, God's always been with me...
It wasn't Truth I wanted, Truth was always the journey...

I was looking for myself....

I'd like to say it is all shaken off and gone right now, but that will likely take time to break each and every single one of these chains I bound myself with... I likely can't be the same person anymore... but I won't continue being this shell.

I like this picture... it makes sense.

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