Saturday, February 2, 2008

Self Centered

"Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to"

I can never really say I had someone I looked up to and wanted to be. I found some people intriguing... or perhaps things about them were intriguing.

"I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs"
A lonely place to be"

Since I had been a child I felt alone and those I had trusted had betrayed me. Parent's divorced before I was born, and parents divorced when I was young. Moving to a school where you were mocked and picked on if you cried... a culture where the man was important. Be a man! Women were tough too... Young crushes were always hurting me, whether cheating on me with my best friend, my sister, or just using me to fill the place of some other guy who was long gone. I never really fit in...

"And so I learned to depend on me"

The only thing I could do was stand firm against it all and not let it drag me down. I remember mom showing me how to defend myself, even if it meant the death of another. I remember becoming sexually active/involved at a young age so that I "KNEW" things more than some others. In my eyes, I became strong, firm, and able to do anything. To take on the world.

"I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I lived as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity"

I was told I was self centered tonight... came home and typed: "am I self centered" into google. Many different results came up, a lot of them blogs, but one really interested me:


"Self Centered (new): someone who is completely grounded and secure in one’s own awareness and ready to take on the world.

Common attributes: irresistibly attractive, tastefully confident, overflowing with creativity, magnetically passionate, genuinely caring, unexplainably inspiring, refreshingly open minded, and curiously explorative."

I believe I fit much of that definition in all of my life. I realize I'm not the most knowledgeable, the most cultured, or the best in everything... but I believe I can say I fit this criteria in every part of my life.

"What about your love life?"

For all friends, co-workers, classmates, room mates, or even family I can be seen this way.
However... I am beginning to wonder if I am truly the same way toward my Significant Other...

When you get close to someone... they get to see those things that make you who you are. My friends, room mates, and in some cases family might never see some of these things. It is the woman you begin to share ideas, beliefs, and bed with that gets to know you.

"And she made him sleep on her knees...
and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head:
. . . and his strength went from him."

(Judges 16:19)

So I'm not bald... but I find myself losing the strength and control I once had when around her. I sometimes feel as if I am trying to take care of someone who always needs to be pampered and told how beautiful she is or how much I love her.

Here I am, an individual who has pushed so far on his own, a good friend and son, a person who has solved problems, and an individual who has had to self soothe. But I seem to have difficulty in controlling my temper and unable to constantly do these things for her.

Singing for her, holding her in my arms because I find I can easily go to sleep there, and even giving up time with the boys to spend time at a social gathering of hers... but sex has become difficult as I have become more annoyed at her constant need for verification... I've come to see sex as just a form of verification for her and it has become less appealing to be with her... I feel as if I am not doing things correctly elsewhere in our relationship or that I am just coddling a childish behavior.

Others might continue to do things childishly or stupidly... and I will just go along with it and not get upset. Granted, I try to gently nudge and fix it... but I never get upset.

With her... I find this tougher. I find myself with a shorter fuse and less willing to put up with some things I don't like. Compromise? Adjust? I just don't see it, particularly when it hits 2 am and I am dead tired... have been all week... and she wants attention. I'm at her place, after spending a night at her social event, attempting to hold her in my arms while I sleep... but it isn't good enough.

Boy was that a bad fight...

Short fuse with her lately... particularly when she starts saying I'm going to break up with her. I kind of take that as a possibility that she might want that... that it might make us both happier.

I love being around her, sleeping with her, and the sex is amazing... but this constant need for attention and verification stretch me thin. I have continued to feel as if I am just not doing the things I want to do (such as game) because I'm too busy during the week with school, work, and homework. 8-5 every day, then (if i do my homework right away) 5-8/10... Then I usually spend time with her.

She insists that she has given up so much and I have given nothing back... that I am selfish. Perhaps... I am trying to finish my last 3 semesters and get good grades, i'm working every day from 8-5 (with classes in between), involved in SexPERTS, and soon to be involved with another program to distrubute student funds into campus technology. I just find myself with so much less time to do the things I want... YES tonight was fun, I had a great time. But i keep feeling i'm just not doing some of the things I want.

I still blame school... schooling I don't want but need to finish for my plans in the future. However I realise that ultimately it is my fault in some way and that I must do something to balance all this properly.

If I was just working from 8-5 things would be easier

But not yet... *Sigh* I just wish she acted a bit more independently... when she walks into a roomwith intention/goals/purpose... she is so attractive and sexy. When she clings to me for verification... it just lights that fuse.
I want her to see herself the way I do: Smart, sexy, funny and great in bed: Amazing.

"Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I've found the greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"

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