Rise of the Machines

"You're going to war for 12 hours, shooting weapons at targets, directing kills on enemy combatants... and then you get in the car, and you drive home. Within 20 minutes you are sitting at the dinner table talking to your kids about their homework."

I've read some science fiction novels where mankind is pitted against an alien race with superior technology and machines. The protagonist says something along the lines of: "I'm so glad humans spent centuries developing new ways to kill themselves so that today we could get this far against an enemy that is far superior to us."

This is a live fire range, and we are soldiers directed to crawl through it. Fear and panic is barely held under control. If one of us breaks or fails to go through with it, the whole group is going to die.

Don't break or we will die.

We chose this path. The time line is made with our blood, and we navigate this thin trail through damnation and destruction because though peace will enable us to thrive and survive...

Peace won't prepare us for someone who want's war.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

"I did the right thing, didn’t I? It all worked out in the end."

"‘In the end’? Nothing ends, ~~~~~. Nothing ever ends."

This is the sum of countless thoughts floating through my head, and then colliding together in a huge blast that levels the field and leaves everything stunned... nearly dead.

I owe her.

I have to repay all the effort and energy she put into us...

Last night, attempting to sleep... but through a barrage of text messages, from my side and hers, I swore that one more message and I would walk downstairs with a knife and cut myself open for her because nothing else would satisfy. She wants something, it might not be blood or flesh, but she WANTS SOMETHING.

From me...

I had the thought in a sharp rise of anger, but it stuck with me today. Her moving, her separation, our arguments over stupid things that make no sense... the fact that she says I know exactly what she feels and what will push her... it's because she WANTS... me to push her?

Perhaps not to push her, but she is actively receptive to something from me... She wants something... and just assumes that if I say something it is directed at her... towards her...

Because she wants it... this thing. She is actively seeking it.

One more text message and I would have cut myself open... not lethal, as I don't believe she wants my death... but a good scar.

Is that it? To mark myself... to help her feel that she meant something to me? Some way to show that it wasn't all a waste...

Is that it then?

Honor
Truth

The World Vs Me

And I stand in front of her.

Don't do it, this is wrong, your not acting like yourself.

Each of these words, phrases, looks, whispers...

yet I can't stop.

What is she, and why can't I listen to everyone else and walk away. The whole world will tell me that what I am doing is wrong, that it will NEVER work.

That I'm a fool. I believe in her...

I will stand in front of her, taking it all...

I can hear you!
I AM Listening!
I DO Care!

but I can't stop. There is no running from this. I will go to Japan, I will visit where I was born, I will travel all over the world for years...

but I WILL come back...

Even if I leave a wife and kids...
Even if I leave everything I own...
Even if I leave hope and salvation...

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
YOU DON'T FEEL IT!
YOU DON'T KNOW IT!!!

I have to get through this... solve this... understand this... fix this...

Because if I don't, my life will be ruined, soiled, forgotten, lost...

Wasted...

I feel God's hand on my shoulder... holding me steady... like we are almost there...

The flames are getting hotter, and the voices are getting louder...

What will I find on the other side?

Will I find myself alone? Will I lose it all?

For her? I'd do it... and it has come to my mind that I am willing to do this regardless of how she feels...

The whole world tells me I'm insane... but this needs to happen.

Update (The Morning After... with pills)

I understand people are concerned for me, and I appreciate it...
But this is something important.
I hope people can understand.

The truth is funny

Link To Picture

I don't blog as much as I should... I just don't like it because honestly this is my life and not every damn thing needs to go on the web.

I like things a little covered... taking it off later is just so much fun!

So there are three sides to me... always have been.

Good Side: Eagle Scout who does AID's and sex counseling on campus, generally is a good conversationalist who tries to be a rock for the people that need him.

Bad Side: The individual who has dreams of whole cities being blown to bits, all the elderly in the world disappearing, and rough sex involving language that would make a sailor blush.

Rational Side: If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter. This part examines every situation and tries to keep a cool aspect on himself... not emotion, just solution. It also looks at the death of millions of people as an opportunity to rebuild, or that the elderly being gone would ultimately save billions of dollars.

SO, what I just said probably accurately described EVERYONE.... but to me it makes me different. I love it... I LOVE my problems... and really am not happy if I'm not making more.

But (I started a sentence with BUT) somewhere down the line I guess I just started to push it down more... keep it hidden and not bring it out. A few relationships made me feel bad about the things I was doing... I was looking at marriage, kids, a job... and it just started to cover up... to hide.

But it didn't go away. I got angrier, more upset... tried to exact more control on the things and people around me because I was controlling the things in myself. I had this role to play, the responsibility to society, my family, and my friends... so I pushed all of this so deep down... because of guilt... because of responsibility... because of my desire to make people happy...

And it just kept creeping out.

Then the guilt....

It was just something (I refuse to say cycle) that kept going round and around....

Insta-suave anyone? Where the hell did that eye-catching, smooth talking, mouth watering, girl grabbing, pussy eating asshole go?

A casualty of war within myself sadly. So much doubt is unhealthy for an individual... It leads to regrets... and the last thing I want to do is regret something on my deathbed.

Reading what she wrote touched me immensely... and made me realize that some of the rules and restrictions I placed on myself over the years did nothing but hurt and harm me. It brought along so much doubt, misunderstanding, and self loathing that I was hurting not only myself... but those around me. All these questions, what was I looking for?

It wasn't Purpose I needed, Purpose is born from all my choices...

It wasn't God I was looking for, God's always been with me...

It wasn't Truth I wanted, Truth was always the journey...

I was looking for myself....

I'd like to say it is all shaken off and gone right now, but that will likely take time to break each and every single one of these chains I bound myself with... I likely can't be the same person anymore... but I won't continue being this shell.

I like this picture... it makes sense.

San Manuel Bueno, mártir

We presented on the first part of: San Manuel Bueno, mártir

I brought up the topic that Don Manuel was insecure about his beliefs, that he didn't quite know what to believe, but still pushed on for the sake of the community. That the author, and one of the characters in the story, Angelina, was noticing this about Don Manuel and was feeling for him. The whole town believes him a saint, and his decisions and actions show him to be one of the most beloved people in the area. So I felt that his insecurities would devastate this community. The title suggests that he sacrifices for the people so that they might believe.

Well I talked with a friend of mine, briefly, after class. He had taken the class before and I showed him the NIV and KJ versions of 1 Corinthians ch 15 that I had printed out. Told him what they were for and his words were: "Is that the story about the priest that knows the secret of life. That he doesn't believe in Christ, but thinks that Christ knew the secret too?"

So I was wrong, but that wasn't what bothered me...

During the presentation no one talks, no one discusses. I present this possibility forward and no one says anything. We have not read that far in the book, so the idea might still be plausible, but no one discusses.

Hell my Spanish isn't all that great, and I stumble around trying to get people to talk, or point out these possibilities... but all it seems I get back is silence, and the few people who decide to laugh or giggle.

Not sure if they are laughing at me, either my ideas or poor Spanish. It hurt a lot more the first two presentations (Which I believe my thoughts/perceptions were wrong there too). This time it still bothered me, "How dare they laugh/mock when they refuse to discuss?!"

I don't care if I am wrong, but it's the ridicule without correction that bothers me more. It upsets me because everyone is afraid of being wrong. That is how I have interpreted it so far. No one speaks, no one discusses, and everyone just sits there waiting to be told something. I'm not sure if they were mocking me, or laughing at my bad Spanish. But they don't contribute.

It had a negative effect on my class participation after the first presentation. I participated, made wrong statements, but still kept going. Then after my first presentation, I guess I just decided to not bother because I was putting forth my effort and not getting anything worthwhile back.

Same went for my second presentation. I tried to get the class involved and to state what they believe, but they wouldn't. Laughter was present in that one, but even if I had wrong beliefs or statements, no one tried to correct it. No one said, "Actually this looks to be true." It felt like just laughter.

I didn't feel embarrassed because no one had anything to say. After the second presentation I guess I realized that it didn't matter if I was right or wrong, just that I tried and presented my findings forward. Any embarrassment would be on my shoulders and that I had a choice in whether or not I would bare it. I developed this saying to myself: I'm never wrong. I'm just right or I learn something new.

One of the chief feelings when one is wrong is embarrassment and I refuse the bare that. Not for people who won't make an effort into a discussion or risk being wrong themselves. I'll feel it for those that matter to me, for those that I injure, but it seems like the Academic World brands "wrong" or "misinformation" as a sin or taboo. Those who are wrong or present information badly are mocked and berated. I despise that, and refuse to play that game. I won't be subject to someone's ridicule and attempt to embarass me... particularly when they are unhelpful.

I'm in control of myself, no one else.
"You think you control your life?"
No, but I control my body. Knowledge is important, but like strength, others need to know how to use it. I have gotten the feeling that many people who "Know" mock and belittle those that don't. Is this the bully system again?

I won't lie, it hurts that this happened again... and perhaps I'm seeing things that were not there, or reading things wrong... but I am proud that I wasn't embarrassed this time, nor as angry.

I did learn something in this class.

Political Post

I have got to say, these videos I found are fairly intriguing. Politics always seem so useless to me, and it was alway my opinion that a leader could be a politician, but not all politicians were leaders.

So I stumble across these videos and find a message from an individual who would be our next president. The first question I ask is: Is he a leader?

I look at his messages and his goals and I ask: Is he a leader?
I look at those people that support him and I ask: Is he a leader?
I look at the critics and his opposition and I ask: Is he a leader?


Watching this video, I can see the word H.O.P.E. and it catches my attention. It isn't a promise of new economy and more money... or better health care. While those exist, the most important thing I want a leader to give is strength to his people. The ability and power to allow them to open doors and make changes the people want. I want someone to give inspiration and hope.



I see this message, and though it is real ("50 dollars an hour") it doesn't inspire us. It doesn't make the people feel better. Reality... it is there... but we are weighted down by reality every day, and I don't need a leader enforcing it. I'm a supporter of logical or pragmatic thinking... of using reason and sound judgment to make my decisions. I, an individual and member of society, promote this. I am the responsibility and sound judgment, but I want my leader to be the Hope and Power.

Maybe all those promises can not be completed...
Maybe the people are getting too enthusiastic...
Maybe this is all just going to disappoint me...

but I'm not going to let Maybe stop me from trying.

________________
________________
And last, I saw this and I had to enjoy it. Both my parents were in the military and I remember a time when I was debating on joining too. Humorous considering I'm comparable to those guy's with the IPhone. Respect and Thanks to those who understand they will one day lay their lives on the line for the people of this country.

Episode 2

I just managed to finish Half Life 2: Episode 2 and am still utterly floored by how absolutely engrossing it is. I've never really played a game like this where one FEELS for the characters. For me, this is on par with Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series and Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series.

"Good thing you've got your hazard suit on. This stuff's nasty.
Got room for two in there?"

Lately, in many games you have control over what happens to your character, and generally decisions are given to you, the player, and the outcome of the world weighs heavily on your shoulders.

In the Halflife series, you are not given choices... you, Gordan Freeman, are whisked through this world and placed in a myriad of sticky situations that require the use of your head, your environment, and other people around you to get through.

Sound familiar? - Life.
This is one of the few games that gives us a mirrored (perhaps funhouse mirrored) version of our world. We are not given ultimate choices and our decisions are not deemed right, wrong, good, or evil"... we are just given situations that we have to do our best to get out of, and try not to get others hurt along the way. We are not the final word in the world, but are a part of it.

This is the draw of Half Life. Like my novels, you, the player/reader, get to live the lives of these characters but really have no choice in what happens. You don't get to choose if you want to save this girl, the character IS going to do it! The only thing you can do is try to dodge as many bullets as possible to get it done. This isn't your story, and these are not your decisions... but you do get to see what it is like in the shoes of Gordan Freeman.

I have shelves (albiet digital shelves) of games that promise full control to "do what I want" and "change the world" or state: "Your decisions actually affect the world around you!"

... but I don't think that is what makes a great game at all. I make decisions every day and get to live with the consequences of my actions... giving me a game where I get to make any decision, but don't have to live with it if I want just makes it unplayable. You keep restarting, or perhaps you go back and try multiple paths... then get to decide which on you thought was better... it totally removes that feeling of BEING a character. You lose the immersion and that character is just a shell you occupied for a short amount of time.

But this... this is a story about a man who is admired; who is looked to as a beacon of hope and a pillar of strength. He isn't just some character you played, because you can look back at the game and see those other characters staring at you, looking into your eyes, and asking you for help.

This is truly pulling me out of this world, and allowing me to escape and enjoy myself. I don't need my decisions to decide the fate of the world or label me as good or evil... it is enough when my decisions decide the fate of my life, or eventually the life of my family. A game or a great piece of literature is supposed to grab me and make me part of the world... not allow me to make the world into whatever I want...

Yeah, they call me Gordan Freeman... but I think that is why we play games or read great novels in the first place. To become someone else and visit another world. Changing your name is only the first step, and I think Valve has done an excellent job in whisking us away on an adventure that is just out of our control, yet so real and exciting that you really don't care. You just want to see what life is like in this person's shoes.

Excellent Job Valve.

The Sword and the Forge

When I was a boy, I wanted to be a blacksmith.

I dreamed I would forge quality swords, that I was back in the middle ages working on weapons in the woods.

Weapons of excellent design. Weapons of such good quality that people all over the world would want one and would be proud to own one... or even know someone who owned one.

I was born in the 20th century, a man in the 21st century, and unlikely at this time to pick up blacksmithing. It is no longer the age of Arthur and swords are more of a novelty or collector's item.

I didn't stop forging though...

I feel it every time I shape myself... change myself.
The hammer on metal, the heat of the forge, the desire to be that perfect weapon... that perfect being.

This shaping takes a lifetime though, and each time the hammer meets the blade I feel the change take shape. I hear the metal ring in my ears, and I sense my body and mind have become something better...something truer.

*CLANG*
I feel my whole being shake and something new has happened to me... some new understanding.
*CLANG*
I can see the hammer meet the metal, the anger of metal on metal. The shower of sparks.
*CLANG*
I can feel the heat around me, I can feel the glowing blade shining in the dark.
*CLANG*

This is what I see and feel. I forge myself with every mistake, every truth, and every acheivement. I feel myself burned, heated, and remade again and again... always getting better. Each time the hammer hits it stays with me and sings throughout me.

There is no beginning or end to this process, it takes my whole life... possibly past that into my whole existance. There is not parts to it, as each part contributes to the whole. Perfection will be pulled from every piece, and all together this forms a unique design... nothing else like this.

When I felt tired today, I felt the forging...
I saw and heard the hammer hit the steel...
I suddenly understood that I am getting better...
Not yet perfect and possibly not in anytime I can see...

I felt the hammer hit the steel and I understood.

This time of my life will be tough, it will bring me to tears, but it will make me better.

Always Better.