Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Holidays and Loneliness


Wonderful time with people I really feel has been my second family for the past few years. I've missed them... so long and I never really quite realized how much they meant to me till they just were not there. Christmas with two families who have just been an absolute joy and treated me like a son.

I'll be spending New Year with these families too. Crab and Prime Rib from the sounds of it. Games, laughter, stories, debate, jokes... i've missed it. Deeply.


I guess you could say I was gone because I just could never really find a way to get another woman to fit in well with the family of an ex-girlfriend... in my head at least. I can't really say I tried too hard... part of me just doesn't really WANT to try. My fault. I guess I just was slightly embarrassed... for numerous reasons, yet none seem really important.

I said one thing in conversation: It wasn't the woman I wanted

I guess it makes sense... not trying, just letting things happen without any care, just... accepting of anything. Like giving up control over your life... not trying to actually build anything.

And just becoming more critical and callous over time was not something I liked. Nor do I think anyone else was liking it either.

So i'm alone.

Ah it has finally caught up to me. I don't feel single... at 1 AM this night... I feel alone.

A few feet from me a couple is asleep in their bed together.... it feels like everyone else I know has someone else.

This is a common feeling many people have, especially newly "alone" people. Typing this, and watching Richie Rich, helps...

But I can't help but examine why I did it, where I'm going, and what will be next. One day perhaps this will make some more sense and I will "get" this. For now this feels better.

It is time to feel this... what better time than during the holidays.

Time to feel it and just... let it wrap me in that cold embrace.

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