To Dream Anything You Want to Dream

It's not why are my dreams so messed up when I go to sleep, but rather why is my reality so normal when I wake up?

It is the start of summer and the beginning to something new. Though finals and the end of the semester has been on my mind for a while now... I've also met someone who has an exceptional reaction with me. Everything just works... I compare it to a combustion engine, but that seems so far from the beauty this dynamic possesses.

Perhaps "Acrobatic Flow" is better... the term comes from a Prince of Persia demo. Here, watch this combo movie it does accurately depict the feeling:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIzByIopln8
(The music is epic, no?)

More on that later... Work starts soon. It is now the start of the summer and I get to continue my weekly posting!

Today is Mac 101 training (Support Essentials!). While I won't get certification for it... I will be taking a crash course in everything (I probably already know) about Mac OS X ver. 10.5 Support.

For $150 dollars more, I could be certified... but we shall see. :)

I'll end with a funny saying my friend told me yesterday: "Here lies an atheist, all dressed up with nowhere to go."

More later!

Rise of the Machines

"You're going to war for 12 hours, shooting weapons at targets, directing kills on enemy combatants... and then you get in the car, and you drive home. Within 20 minutes you are sitting at the dinner table talking to your kids about their homework."

I've read some science fiction novels where mankind is pitted against an alien race with superior technology and machines. The protagonist says something along the lines of: "I'm so glad humans spent centuries developing new ways to kill themselves so that today we could get this far against an enemy that is far superior to us."

This is a live fire range, and we are soldiers directed to crawl through it. Fear and panic is barely held under control. If one of us breaks or fails to go through with it, the whole group is going to die.

Don't break or we will die.

We chose this path. The time line is made with our blood, and we navigate this thin trail through damnation and destruction because though peace will enable us to thrive and survive...

Peace won't prepare us for someone who want's war.

She by Me

A cute girl texted me at 3 AM and asked if I wanted to go Wall Climbing, but secretly I had already planned to go with some friends...

So I said that would be fun and we could meet up at 6. My friends might be there, but that is pretty normal, they wall climb a bit.

But... BOY AM I TIRED.

Just so worn out i'm wondering if I'll be able to do much. I'm going to go climb, no doubt about it, but I'm also going to try and run before.

She might not be there, she is saying she is tired too.

I figure if I'm this exhausted, running and climbing should just knock me out for the night and I should have a good night's rest.

*Crosses Fingers*

In the meantime, here is an evil koala.

Prescribe Me Laughter. Prescribe Me Expression!

Strange...

Earlier this morning I was feeling great... then as the day slowly wore on, I noticed time just seemed to slow to a crawl and I felt myself getting... downer... by the minute.

Unmotivated, unexcited, un... everything. I tried getting up and moving around, but that didn't help. I tried focusing on one project, then another... but that didn't help.

Then I went and read a joke:

A famous psychiatrist told his wife: "I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague."

Wife: " But you are the best psychiatrist, aren't you?"

Psychiatrist: " Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!"

I smiled and laughed, time seemed to speed up, and suddenly things around me looked more interesting. I proceeded to peruse the internet for more material, suddenly intrigued that this helped. A few jokes made me smile, others made me laugh:

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

I got up, went and got a mountain dew... and noticed that caffeine didn't exactly seem to help... it made me jittery, yet my mind still felt like it was in some sort of numb state.

I decided I would blog about it, and as I began writing, describing, and thinking... I began feeling good again. I looked at the clock and noticed time was speeding up.

I've come to conclusion that letting it out, something, anything... just expressing your feelings seems to be the way to get over many of these "easier" low points.

Laughter worked because I was suddenly no longer trying to control myself. I wasn't keeping IT in. Blogging is working because i'm processing the emotion, coming up with ways to describe it and analyzing it. Burning my feelings like a fuel.

Expressing it. Fedex Expressing it.

Now, every time I glance at the clock, I see the minutes tick by in what feels like seconds. Thoughts churn through my head on what I want to work on next, and the caffeine is boosting the current desire to get something worthwhile done.

I've submitted about 20 computer problem reports for our techs to work on, prepared a few test machines for an adobe patch we need to test, and now i'm going to tackle an expensive scanner that just doesn't do what it should be doing.

Laughter is the best medicine.
A blog a day keeps the depression away.

Just go express it. Burn it. Use it.

P.S.
My shirts are getting tighter. O.o

Low Start

7:20 and I am down.

Some people say it's chemical... waking up and having all the bad or sad things hit you in the morning. It makes the rest of the day look like an uphill climb that is almost daunting...

Or you fall, and just let the day get worse till you can get back to sleep.

The energy and effort to work out of it just seems so... much. As I sit here thinking about the good things in my life, an exercise I started to help counter these low moods, I can't help but wonder why these low times exist.

I've heard it said before that we are the most depressed country in the world... and with our freedoms, benefits, rights, and products... you'd think that should not be possible. But...

There is no struggle. We have lost our appreciation for freedom, food, life... With no one controlling us, tossing grenades, and shooting civilians in the streets... what value does anything have? Naturally, humans want chaos. The fear, the terror, the fighting... So this hole is made... this depression in our lives where that darkness fills and makes us complete.

I think we want the bad, because it always makes the good stand out so much more. The future always seems to look a little darker, but for many we can look back at our past and remember much better times. Those that can't... probably never had anything terrible happen. It's not that they didn't have anything good in their lives... they just never had anything bad to gauge it against.

I wonder if that is why I feel for her so much... because despite all the bad... the fights and the coldness... I actually valued each laugh, kiss, and touch far more. It would certainly match my current perception of humans... of myself.

I think that is why feminazis rant and rave about male oppression and abuse, but take the liberty to spout verbal abuse and generalize. Even in a society, American Society, where men are raised to be "better" than the rest of the males world when it comes to treating women properly.

Why people still reference slavery in America, but don't bother to think about slavery elsewhere... young girls stolen for prostitution into South America or women forced to submit elsewhere in the world. This need to keep it alive in the areas around us... yet ignore it when it's far away.

Some people state that they can't do anything about that here... but then why go on to parade around in an area where it isn't needed as much. Is it to encourage activity in foreign areas, or just remind people that they were bad, are bad, will be bad. Ha... It's like the church: "we are by nature sinful and unclean and have sinned against them by our thoughts, words and deeds."

But I digress... ultimately I think people LIKE the problems... the darkness. Look at Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and now The Watchmen... it's a sign of our desires.

It is our choices that make us who we are.
It is the dark times, the troubled times, that force us to make choices.
So without the darkness, what choices do we have?

Without the darkness... who are we?



Give them Pain. Give them Terror. Give them Death... and they will Dance, Love, and Live.

Each new generation strives to find peace and happiness, but in the end there can be no peace without a war. Our depression is nothing more than a lack of our own great struggle. We have no external enemy, so we turn against ourselves. Both literally and figuratively.

Thanks, I feel much better now.

Hrm - Jerks?

A brief and interesting article.

I saw He's just Not that Into You the other night and thought it was great.

I recommend it and find this article adds a little bit to it.

Link

Now, the interesting part is how easily the roles can be reversed...

Good read, and I recommend the movie!

So Again I Am

So, something huge happened last week, but I just can not talk about it here. Sometimes it is almost like gossip, or hanging out dirty laundry... and ultimately I just see this more as a... way to analyze my own thoughts more than actually communicate with people.

In all honesty, i'm not actually sure how many people read this... but that is why it is done for myself :)

No post last week, I kept waiting, hoping that something else would pop up and that I felt I COULD actually write about.

Well nothing came up.

Spent this weekend down in Denver with my second family and the girl I find unbelievably amazing.

But nothing on that front. Still standing on that cliff, tomorrow I'll make a push. I had a good time eating dinner, talking, playing card games, and just enjoying time spent around other people.

At the moment I am just catching up on homework, thinking about the weekend and this upcoming week.

Not much else to really talk about, I thought about the superbowl, but didn't find it pulling me that much.

Well that is life up to now, another update later this week when something momentous happens.

My Mirror, My Sword, and My Shield

Where to go from here?

I kneeled in front of the mirror... knowing where my heart wanted to be, but trying to understand where I had to go next. It's a scary thing...

I'm holding myself at the edge of a cliff.
The winds are rushing around me,
I'm doing my best not to fall forward,
and yet I'm determined to not walk away.

Waiting for those hands to reach out and grab mine...

I look away whenever I hear that thought that it might never happen...
Not like I don't want to face the truth... but that I am going to hold out as long as possible...
I won't give up. My heart won't let me...

But I won't just wait...
I won't waste my life...

I found myself putting Viva La Vida on repeat... It is second to Leave Out All The Rest.

I want my life to be worthy of the reason I am here.
I want to paint this beautiful picture.... write this wondrous story...

If it is the choice of God that I am here, then I want show him something wonderful.
If it is a random sequence of events, then I will take advantage of this opportunity.

I want to make this beautiful...

I'm looking around me, standing on this cliff, and wondering what is next.
I almost feel stuck, so how do I move forward? What is next for a good life?

Debt free? Home? Degree? - These things don't make a good life, just a smart life. They are tools and positions which give you more options.

Many will rarely take advantage of these options to create a good life. One doesn't even need these things to make a good life. I guess one of these things will have to be the next choice for now... consolidate, regroup, build up... It won't hurt, but I do wish the next step would appear before me. Life feels like it is getting shorter... oddly enough...

So... now I think... what is next?

While I wait on this cliff... and I consolidate my position...

Where is that next step!?

I WANT TO FIGHT!!!!

RAWR!!!

All day i've just wanted to pick a fight... get into an arguement... arm wrestle... something.

Something aggressive and strenuous.

I don't quite get it, but it is definately messing with my head.

So i've been looking at the costs for Half Acre to have SOMEWHERE to go to do something.

I'm tossing it around because as a part time student (Free class) I get to only pay 52.50 a semester as opposed to 192.00 anually as staff.

Good deal... but I need to use it... REALLY need to use it... like 3 times a week...

5-6:30 I'm thinking.

I want a track to run I think... place to do pushups/situp/pullups... etc.

At the moment I just feel like biting someone!

What Was It All For?

I grabbed that vase and I threw it against the living room wall.
I kicked over the living room table...
I pushed my bookshelf over spilling all my favorite novels...
I felt myself yelling... at the world, at my life....
I felt tears in my eyes... felt her looking at me...

HOW DARE SHE!!!

...then I woke up...

I walked towards the living room... I reached for that vase...

...and I saw that it was already broken.

I sat down on the couch... asked myself... asked God... Why?!

I sighed...
got dressed...
picked up my books...
put the table back in it's proper place...

...but I didn't feel her looking at me...

Holidays and Loneliness

Holidays:

Wonderful time with people I really feel has been my second family for the past few years. I've missed them... so long and I never really quite realized how much they meant to me till they just were not there. Christmas with two families who have just been an absolute joy and treated me like a son.

I'll be spending New Year with these families too. Crab and Prime Rib from the sounds of it. Games, laughter, stories, debate, jokes... i've missed it. Deeply.

Loneliness:

I guess you could say I was gone because I just could never really find a way to get another woman to fit in well with the family of an ex-girlfriend... in my head at least. I can't really say I tried too hard... part of me just doesn't really WANT to try. My fault. I guess I just was slightly embarrassed... for numerous reasons, yet none seem really important.

I said one thing in conversation: It wasn't the woman I wanted

I guess it makes sense... not trying, just letting things happen without any care, just... accepting of anything. Like giving up control over your life... not trying to actually build anything.

And just becoming more critical and callous over time was not something I liked. Nor do I think anyone else was liking it either.

So i'm alone.

Ah it has finally caught up to me. I don't feel single... at 1 AM this night... I feel alone.

A few feet from me a couple is asleep in their bed together.... it feels like everyone else I know has someone else.

This is a common feeling many people have, especially newly "alone" people. Typing this, and watching Richie Rich, helps...

But I can't help but examine why I did it, where I'm going, and what will be next. One day perhaps this will make some more sense and I will "get" this. For now this feels better.

It is time to feel this... what better time than during the holidays.

Time to feel it and just... let it wrap me in that cold embrace.

Drink Drink Drink

Por que?

Well I remember last night, and things still seem good.

Far too much alcohol and I think the straight rum/vodka were what push things too far.

Get this: American Vodka.

Tasted like crap, but I, being the wonderful soul that I am, decided I should finish it because my friend didn't want it anymore.

I do the same with food, if it is not going to get eaten, or getting bad (and it still edible) i'll take it off their hands.

I'll have to not do that with alcohol again : /

Problem was it really upset my girl to not know where I was or what I was doing. I did completely just space that out after having far too much to drink, and about the time we put in Benny and Joon (probably about 3), I was at the toilet. Vomit, drink water, vomit, drink water, repeat. I heard everyone left and once I could look around without getting dizzy and upsetting my stomach I went and laid down to go to bed. At some point during the throwing up, both my legs fell asleep (below the knees) so it was fairly interesting trying to walk on nubs of wood... but I managed it, till they woke up again. kept cleaning off my hair, washing my mouth and nose, and repeating it all again.

Sadly I missed the movie with everyone :( and Dan+Carrie made sure I was ok before leaving... Carrie recommended I drink lots of water and I responded with "Really? I'll try that." I remember thinking in my head (Jeez that sounded sarcastic and you probably made her think you were a jack ass. HA throwing up like this and now your worried about being a jackass. But in the off chance that she manages to read this, I was not being sarcastic and it really did help, I actually started doing that after Dan and and she left.

Bleh, and here I was hoping I had figured out that magical amount
(get it? -> Linky)

But Water does help after drinking to prevent hangovers (possibly the vomiting too, but not recommended). The crackers I didn't get to try. *sad face*

So once every few months this happens, going out and I wind up drinking. Once every 6+months I get to see the toilet. I'm not sure why people do it on a regular basis, I know I couldn't afford it or even think about experiencing it more than once a year...

Still I know i'm avoiding the subject of talking about my girl's thoughts in this. She was, needless to say, quite pissed. It bothered her severely not to know where I was, or what I was doing. I stupidly left my phone on vibrate and on the floor in front of the couch, so it drove her nuts trying to figure out what I was doing. She called friends, and others trying to figure it out, and I was slightly miffed at it... but I did forget to tell her what was going on. I guess the part that bothers me most, is not the fact that I upset her drinking that much... but the fact that I don't want others to think badly about her for calling and getting frantic last night. I messed up on the communication part, and some of my closest friends had to put up with it... so I don't want them to think of her badly :(

Ha, you were drinking far too much, and don't want others to think of your girlfriend badly? Kind of arrogant of you to think others won't think badly of you!
I guess i'm not woried so much about my image basically because most people never see me in this state because I DON'T do it... well once a year so far (I think. Maybe this blog will help me keep track of those) Seems others found it quite humorous up until the toilet and the calling... But i've been working on trying to fix things up with my girlfriend and my friends for a bit... I don't quite understand what happened (in the past or more recently) but I wanted her to join me at that Korean movie night last night. But there is this fear of bringing her around... eye dagger feeling and I'm hoping that if others spend time with me more, they will be more accepting of her... cause honestly I don't know what it is about her that other people don't like.
Edit for clarification: This is a thought, not a fact that other people don't like her at all... my musing and an attempt to solve a problem... Chances are people are just fine with her and I don't see it. This would insinuate that something is wrong with me.

Getting hammered and acting like a monkey probably isn't the best way to go about it, but I was hoping that if I can spend time with these others and get an understanding of them, I might be able to solve it... but it gets kind of hard when I don't think there should be a problem in the first place. I miss hanging out with my friends alot and it seems like ever since i started dating Rose, i've had to isolate myself from them more because I can't include her. Some are willing, perhaps all are, and I've been trying to work on that with Rose... because leaving her alone on nights like last night just won't work... particularly when I think she would have enjoyed those movies.

Additions: Where is the problem? Her? Them? Both? Miscommunication that has just plain carried too far? What does it take to get this working nicely? I'll take the blame if that is the case... Perhaps I just always complain?

She means alot to me, I honestly have never found a girl I could so easily fall asleep with and just joke and play around like we do. Beautiful, Smart, Silly, Caring, and willing to learn video games so she can play with me... honestly I couldn't ask for better! Hell, I remember my last relationship and asking God for someone to love and here I got it! (More than I bargained for in some cases ^____^ ) But then this problem crept up and I trust ALL of my friends and try to understand their concerns and points of view... they really helped me out in my last relationship. I trust my girlfriend.... so I'm stuck trying to figure out what is going on. I seriously believe this is just a huge mess of miscommunication and worries/fears... what can I do?! Leave the woman I love at home to go be with friends I miss and love... or stay with the woman I love and miss my friends... Erica and Pat... I miss going out with them... Kyle too... Wonderful people, all of them. The age limit on bars usually restricts my girl from there:P

But... How do you solve a problem that you believe shouldn't exist in the first place? Perhaps the problem is with me? Am I painting a bad image of her in some ways? I worry about that at times... that my complaints are what people hear more... and not the goods.

San Manuel Bueno, mártir

We presented on the first part of: San Manuel Bueno, mártir

I brought up the topic that Don Manuel was insecure about his beliefs, that he didn't quite know what to believe, but still pushed on for the sake of the community. That the author, and one of the characters in the story, Angelina, was noticing this about Don Manuel and was feeling for him. The whole town believes him a saint, and his decisions and actions show him to be one of the most beloved people in the area. So I felt that his insecurities would devastate this community. The title suggests that he sacrifices for the people so that they might believe.

Well I talked with a friend of mine, briefly, after class. He had taken the class before and I showed him the NIV and KJ versions of 1 Corinthians ch 15 that I had printed out. Told him what they were for and his words were: "Is that the story about the priest that knows the secret of life. That he doesn't believe in Christ, but thinks that Christ knew the secret too?"

So I was wrong, but that wasn't what bothered me...

During the presentation no one talks, no one discusses. I present this possibility forward and no one says anything. We have not read that far in the book, so the idea might still be plausible, but no one discusses.

Hell my Spanish isn't all that great, and I stumble around trying to get people to talk, or point out these possibilities... but all it seems I get back is silence, and the few people who decide to laugh or giggle.

Not sure if they are laughing at me, either my ideas or poor Spanish. It hurt a lot more the first two presentations (Which I believe my thoughts/perceptions were wrong there too). This time it still bothered me, "How dare they laugh/mock when they refuse to discuss?!"

I don't care if I am wrong, but it's the ridicule without correction that bothers me more. It upsets me because everyone is afraid of being wrong. That is how I have interpreted it so far. No one speaks, no one discusses, and everyone just sits there waiting to be told something. I'm not sure if they were mocking me, or laughing at my bad Spanish. But they don't contribute.

It had a negative effect on my class participation after the first presentation. I participated, made wrong statements, but still kept going. Then after my first presentation, I guess I just decided to not bother because I was putting forth my effort and not getting anything worthwhile back.

Same went for my second presentation. I tried to get the class involved and to state what they believe, but they wouldn't. Laughter was present in that one, but even if I had wrong beliefs or statements, no one tried to correct it. No one said, "Actually this looks to be true." It felt like just laughter.

I didn't feel embarrassed because no one had anything to say. After the second presentation I guess I realized that it didn't matter if I was right or wrong, just that I tried and presented my findings forward. Any embarrassment would be on my shoulders and that I had a choice in whether or not I would bare it. I developed this saying to myself: I'm never wrong. I'm just right or I learn something new.

One of the chief feelings when one is wrong is embarrassment and I refuse the bare that. Not for people who won't make an effort into a discussion or risk being wrong themselves. I'll feel it for those that matter to me, for those that I injure, but it seems like the Academic World brands "wrong" or "misinformation" as a sin or taboo. Those who are wrong or present information badly are mocked and berated. I despise that, and refuse to play that game. I won't be subject to someone's ridicule and attempt to embarass me... particularly when they are unhelpful.

I'm in control of myself, no one else.
"You think you control your life?"
No, but I control my body. Knowledge is important, but like strength, others need to know how to use it. I have gotten the feeling that many people who "Know" mock and belittle those that don't. Is this the bully system again?

I won't lie, it hurts that this happened again... and perhaps I'm seeing things that were not there, or reading things wrong... but I am proud that I wasn't embarrassed this time, nor as angry.

I did learn something in this class.

Episode 2

I just managed to finish Half Life 2: Episode 2 and am still utterly floored by how absolutely engrossing it is. I've never really played a game like this where one FEELS for the characters. For me, this is on par with Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series and Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series.

"Good thing you've got your hazard suit on. This stuff's nasty.
Got room for two in there?"

Lately, in many games you have control over what happens to your character, and generally decisions are given to you, the player, and the outcome of the world weighs heavily on your shoulders.

In the Halflife series, you are not given choices... you, Gordan Freeman, are whisked through this world and placed in a myriad of sticky situations that require the use of your head, your environment, and other people around you to get through.

Sound familiar? - Life.
This is one of the few games that gives us a mirrored (perhaps funhouse mirrored) version of our world. We are not given ultimate choices and our decisions are not deemed right, wrong, good, or evil"... we are just given situations that we have to do our best to get out of, and try not to get others hurt along the way. We are not the final word in the world, but are a part of it.

This is the draw of Half Life. Like my novels, you, the player/reader, get to live the lives of these characters but really have no choice in what happens. You don't get to choose if you want to save this girl, the character IS going to do it! The only thing you can do is try to dodge as many bullets as possible to get it done. This isn't your story, and these are not your decisions... but you do get to see what it is like in the shoes of Gordan Freeman.

I have shelves (albiet digital shelves) of games that promise full control to "do what I want" and "change the world" or state: "Your decisions actually affect the world around you!"

... but I don't think that is what makes a great game at all. I make decisions every day and get to live with the consequences of my actions... giving me a game where I get to make any decision, but don't have to live with it if I want just makes it unplayable. You keep restarting, or perhaps you go back and try multiple paths... then get to decide which on you thought was better... it totally removes that feeling of BEING a character. You lose the immersion and that character is just a shell you occupied for a short amount of time.

But this... this is a story about a man who is admired; who is looked to as a beacon of hope and a pillar of strength. He isn't just some character you played, because you can look back at the game and see those other characters staring at you, looking into your eyes, and asking you for help.

This is truly pulling me out of this world, and allowing me to escape and enjoy myself. I don't need my decisions to decide the fate of the world or label me as good or evil... it is enough when my decisions decide the fate of my life, or eventually the life of my family. A game or a great piece of literature is supposed to grab me and make me part of the world... not allow me to make the world into whatever I want...

Yeah, they call me Gordan Freeman... but I think that is why we play games or read great novels in the first place. To become someone else and visit another world. Changing your name is only the first step, and I think Valve has done an excellent job in whisking us away on an adventure that is just out of our control, yet so real and exciting that you really don't care. You just want to see what life is like in this person's shoes.

Excellent Job Valve.