To Dream Anything You Want to Dream

It's not why are my dreams so messed up when I go to sleep, but rather why is my reality so normal when I wake up?

It is the start of summer and the beginning to something new. Though finals and the end of the semester has been on my mind for a while now... I've also met someone who has an exceptional reaction with me. Everything just works... I compare it to a combustion engine, but that seems so far from the beauty this dynamic possesses.

Perhaps "Acrobatic Flow" is better... the term comes from a Prince of Persia demo. Here, watch this combo movie it does accurately depict the feeling:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIzByIopln8
(The music is epic, no?)

More on that later... Work starts soon. It is now the start of the summer and I get to continue my weekly posting!

Today is Mac 101 training (Support Essentials!). While I won't get certification for it... I will be taking a crash course in everything (I probably already know) about Mac OS X ver. 10.5 Support.

For $150 dollars more, I could be certified... but we shall see. :)

I'll end with a funny saying my friend told me yesterday: "Here lies an atheist, all dressed up with nowhere to go."

More later!

The Recurring Dream

Again and again this happens... the story is always slightly different, but the actors remain the same... the situation tends to be the same. I guess I'll write it down here, wait for it to happen again, then compare the two.

It's already fading but:

I saw her... she looked just as I remember her. Beautiful. She missed me, I missed her... we hold each other, kiss, make love... all this happens quickly. It was just informational and not the focus of the dream.

I see a man who is out to kill me and her... though he does not know what we look like. She and I are on the beach, hotels around us, trying to discuss how we are going to stop him. A professor of ours offers to have his students pretend to take our place... pretend to be us. We agree, planning to jump the bad person when he least expects it.

I remember, throughout this whole dream, we held hands... or were always touching for reassurance and protection...

I remember us staring at each other and the thought "Can we do this?" would float between us...

The dangerous man goes after the decoys and I bring a vase down on his head. Everything feels like I'm underwater though, and the vase connects as if it was just a tap. He looks at me and says I will not stop him from killing the boy and the girl. I bring the vase down again, and this time everything speeds up normally and the vase connects and shatters... only it was not a vase, it was a solid block of marble. It's over, she and I hold each other and feel like we can now continue on with our lives...

I wake up in a cold sweat. I stare around me, my alarm clock is about 2 minutes from going off. I keep saying "Why!? Why? Why?!"... I can almost feel tears forming in my eyes but as I reach up they seem to pull back in. I'm not sure what it means, but there is something going on... I feel an ache in my heart.

Before I went to bed, I was thinking about relationships, love, another woman I was slightly peeved at... but this? It has been YEARS... why does it come back?

In the past when this dream with Her takes place... it's rarely the same scenario, but always the same emotions. I'm not sure what brings it on yet... but perhaps tracking it this way will help me figure it out.

Edit: On a note... I'm going to start posting more pictures.

Rise of the Machines

"You're going to war for 12 hours, shooting weapons at targets, directing kills on enemy combatants... and then you get in the car, and you drive home. Within 20 minutes you are sitting at the dinner table talking to your kids about their homework."

I've read some science fiction novels where mankind is pitted against an alien race with superior technology and machines. The protagonist says something along the lines of: "I'm so glad humans spent centuries developing new ways to kill themselves so that today we could get this far against an enemy that is far superior to us."

This is a live fire range, and we are soldiers directed to crawl through it. Fear and panic is barely held under control. If one of us breaks or fails to go through with it, the whole group is going to die.

Don't break or we will die.

We chose this path. The time line is made with our blood, and we navigate this thin trail through damnation and destruction because though peace will enable us to thrive and survive...

Peace won't prepare us for someone who want's war.

Johari!!!!

What do you see me as?
Good Qualities:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=LiquidWolf

Bad Qualities:
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=LiquidWolf

Go on, to all my pesonal friends, give it a go. :)

She by Me

A cute girl texted me at 3 AM and asked if I wanted to go Wall Climbing, but secretly I had already planned to go with some friends...

So I said that would be fun and we could meet up at 6. My friends might be there, but that is pretty normal, they wall climb a bit.

But... BOY AM I TIRED.

Just so worn out i'm wondering if I'll be able to do much. I'm going to go climb, no doubt about it, but I'm also going to try and run before.

She might not be there, she is saying she is tired too.

I figure if I'm this exhausted, running and climbing should just knock me out for the night and I should have a good night's rest.

*Crosses Fingers*

In the meantime, here is an evil koala.

Prescribe Me Laughter. Prescribe Me Expression!

Strange...

Earlier this morning I was feeling great... then as the day slowly wore on, I noticed time just seemed to slow to a crawl and I felt myself getting... downer... by the minute.

Unmotivated, unexcited, un... everything. I tried getting up and moving around, but that didn't help. I tried focusing on one project, then another... but that didn't help.

Then I went and read a joke:

A famous psychiatrist told his wife: "I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague."

Wife: " But you are the best psychiatrist, aren't you?"

Psychiatrist: " Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!"

I smiled and laughed, time seemed to speed up, and suddenly things around me looked more interesting. I proceeded to peruse the internet for more material, suddenly intrigued that this helped. A few jokes made me smile, others made me laugh:

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

I got up, went and got a mountain dew... and noticed that caffeine didn't exactly seem to help... it made me jittery, yet my mind still felt like it was in some sort of numb state.

I decided I would blog about it, and as I began writing, describing, and thinking... I began feeling good again. I looked at the clock and noticed time was speeding up.

I've come to conclusion that letting it out, something, anything... just expressing your feelings seems to be the way to get over many of these "easier" low points.

Laughter worked because I was suddenly no longer trying to control myself. I wasn't keeping IT in. Blogging is working because i'm processing the emotion, coming up with ways to describe it and analyzing it. Burning my feelings like a fuel.

Expressing it. Fedex Expressing it.

Now, every time I glance at the clock, I see the minutes tick by in what feels like seconds. Thoughts churn through my head on what I want to work on next, and the caffeine is boosting the current desire to get something worthwhile done.

I've submitted about 20 computer problem reports for our techs to work on, prepared a few test machines for an adobe patch we need to test, and now i'm going to tackle an expensive scanner that just doesn't do what it should be doing.

Laughter is the best medicine.
A blog a day keeps the depression away.

Just go express it. Burn it. Use it.

P.S.
My shirts are getting tighter. O.o

Beautiful and Terrible Creature...

Capable of limitless compassion and unfathomable cruelty...

Spider Bite Miracle

It has been a while since i've seen something like this. Browsing CNN and other news sites I'm beginning to see more articles, videos, and notes about good things, helping others, and life.

"Live your life... don't spend too long working for a job... chase your dreams"

It's good to see things like this. Out of all the bad stuff: tabloids, rumors, doubt, fear... it is good to see these rays of hope and sparks of light.

In the darkest night, the stars shine brightest

Let's watch.

Low Start

7:20 and I am down.

Some people say it's chemical... waking up and having all the bad or sad things hit you in the morning. It makes the rest of the day look like an uphill climb that is almost daunting...

Or you fall, and just let the day get worse till you can get back to sleep.

The energy and effort to work out of it just seems so... much. As I sit here thinking about the good things in my life, an exercise I started to help counter these low moods, I can't help but wonder why these low times exist.

I've heard it said before that we are the most depressed country in the world... and with our freedoms, benefits, rights, and products... you'd think that should not be possible. But...

There is no struggle. We have lost our appreciation for freedom, food, life... With no one controlling us, tossing grenades, and shooting civilians in the streets... what value does anything have? Naturally, humans want chaos. The fear, the terror, the fighting... So this hole is made... this depression in our lives where that darkness fills and makes us complete.

I think we want the bad, because it always makes the good stand out so much more. The future always seems to look a little darker, but for many we can look back at our past and remember much better times. Those that can't... probably never had anything terrible happen. It's not that they didn't have anything good in their lives... they just never had anything bad to gauge it against.

I wonder if that is why I feel for her so much... because despite all the bad... the fights and the coldness... I actually valued each laugh, kiss, and touch far more. It would certainly match my current perception of humans... of myself.

I think that is why feminazis rant and rave about male oppression and abuse, but take the liberty to spout verbal abuse and generalize. Even in a society, American Society, where men are raised to be "better" than the rest of the males world when it comes to treating women properly.

Why people still reference slavery in America, but don't bother to think about slavery elsewhere... young girls stolen for prostitution into South America or women forced to submit elsewhere in the world. This need to keep it alive in the areas around us... yet ignore it when it's far away.

Some people state that they can't do anything about that here... but then why go on to parade around in an area where it isn't needed as much. Is it to encourage activity in foreign areas, or just remind people that they were bad, are bad, will be bad. Ha... It's like the church: "we are by nature sinful and unclean and have sinned against them by our thoughts, words and deeds."

But I digress... ultimately I think people LIKE the problems... the darkness. Look at Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and now The Watchmen... it's a sign of our desires.

It is our choices that make us who we are.
It is the dark times, the troubled times, that force us to make choices.
So without the darkness, what choices do we have?

Without the darkness... who are we?



Give them Pain. Give them Terror. Give them Death... and they will Dance, Love, and Live.

Each new generation strives to find peace and happiness, but in the end there can be no peace without a war. Our depression is nothing more than a lack of our own great struggle. We have no external enemy, so we turn against ourselves. Both literally and figuratively.

Thanks, I feel much better now.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

"I did the right thing, didn’t I? It all worked out in the end."

"‘In the end’? Nothing ends, ~~~~~. Nothing ever ends."

This is the sum of countless thoughts floating through my head, and then colliding together in a huge blast that levels the field and leaves everything stunned... nearly dead.

I owe her.

I have to repay all the effort and energy she put into us...

Last night, attempting to sleep... but through a barrage of text messages, from my side and hers, I swore that one more message and I would walk downstairs with a knife and cut myself open for her because nothing else would satisfy. She wants something, it might not be blood or flesh, but she WANTS SOMETHING.

From me...

I had the thought in a sharp rise of anger, but it stuck with me today. Her moving, her separation, our arguments over stupid things that make no sense... the fact that she says I know exactly what she feels and what will push her... it's because she WANTS... me to push her?

Perhaps not to push her, but she is actively receptive to something from me... She wants something... and just assumes that if I say something it is directed at her... towards her...

Because she wants it... this thing. She is actively seeking it.

One more text message and I would have cut myself open... not lethal, as I don't believe she wants my death... but a good scar.

Is that it? To mark myself... to help her feel that she meant something to me? Some way to show that it wasn't all a waste...

Is that it then?

Honor
Truth

I was worried

Pseudo-Scientific Psychopath Detector
Glibness/superficial charm = YES
Egocentric, exaggerated self-image = YES
Need for stimulation/bored easily = SOMEWHAT
Pathological lying = SOMEWHAT
Conning and manipulativeness = YES
Lack of remorse or guilt = YES
Shallow emotions = YES
Callousness and lack of empathy = SOMEWHAT
Parasitic lifestyle = SOMEWHAT
Poor behavioral controls = YES
Sexual promiscuity = SOMEWHAT
Childhood behavior problems = SOMEWHAT
Lack of realistic long-term goals = NO
Impulsivity = SOMEWHAT
Irresponsibility = SOMEWHAT
Failure to accept responsibility for actions = SOMEWHAT
Many short-term relationships = SOMEWHAT
Varied criminal behavior = SOMEWHAT
Posts 'first' messages = NO

Probable diagnosis = Moderately psychopathic

OK, so it isn't exactly a full fledged verification from a doctor...but for about a year now I've been concerned that I might be a psychopath.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not really concerned, but I will bring this up with a counselor I think. I've just been reading about all this... how many psychopaths are very successful in the world... and the general assumption is that psychopaths that turns to crime are considered to be “unsuccessful psychopaths” due to their failure to blend into society.

It has been interesting research to find out more about this...

I'm fully expecting to find that I probably only have criminal tendencies... but I'll need a professional opinion on that.

Hrm - Jerks?

A brief and interesting article.

I saw He's just Not that Into You the other night and thought it was great.

I recommend it and find this article adds a little bit to it.

Link

Now, the interesting part is how easily the roles can be reversed...

Good read, and I recommend the movie!

The World Vs Me

And I stand in front of her.

Don't do it, this is wrong, your not acting like yourself.

Each of these words, phrases, looks, whispers...

yet I can't stop.

What is she, and why can't I listen to everyone else and walk away. The whole world will tell me that what I am doing is wrong, that it will NEVER work.

That I'm a fool. I believe in her...

I will stand in front of her, taking it all...

I can hear you!
I AM Listening!
I DO Care!

but I can't stop. There is no running from this. I will go to Japan, I will visit where I was born, I will travel all over the world for years...

but I WILL come back...

Even if I leave a wife and kids...
Even if I leave everything I own...
Even if I leave hope and salvation...

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
YOU DON'T FEEL IT!
YOU DON'T KNOW IT!!!

I have to get through this... solve this... understand this... fix this...

Because if I don't, my life will be ruined, soiled, forgotten, lost...

Wasted...

I feel God's hand on my shoulder... holding me steady... like we are almost there...

The flames are getting hotter, and the voices are getting louder...

What will I find on the other side?

Will I find myself alone? Will I lose it all?

For her? I'd do it... and it has come to my mind that I am willing to do this regardless of how she feels...

The whole world tells me I'm insane... but this needs to happen.

Update (The Morning After... with pills)

I understand people are concerned for me, and I appreciate it...
But this is something important.
I hope people can understand.

Lincoln-Head

I'm at lincoln-head.
Right this second.

once you get out of town this seems to be the highest point before it dips back down to Laramie or Cheyenne.

It's foggy, and I can barely seen the outline of the monument between the fog and darkness. The lights around the monument create a halo around Lincoln's head.

Beautiful.

Why am I here? In all honesty I was going to drive to cheyenne... But as I approached the summit I saw the signs and decided to come by here instead. I wanted to clear my head... I've just turned 23 and I spent most of today playing video games and letting it sink in. Nearly a quarter of a century... What will I do when I hit 25? What about the quarter after?

In truth, Rose prompted the drive, how and why are not important, but before I hit the summit I had the answer to the silly bickering that we keep pushing. It's like two kids pulling on a doll... And the doll will rip in the end... Which will Make us both sad.

Silly... I want to end it before the rip.

I've never been here before... I think i'll bring a girl up here sometime after a few dates.

The monument is becoming more visible as I write this... And i'm going to get a close look at it before I head back in. Got work in the morning and laundry to put away.

Oh, on the date, she got busy studying for a test and asked if we could reschedule. She thanked me for being understanding. We will go out for coffee or something later this week.

I'm in no rush. I've got years left here...

A quarter of a century... I'll probably be moving somewhere else when I turn 25... That seems like such a short time.

Tick-tock...
Tick...
Tock...

So Again I Am

So, something huge happened last week, but I just can not talk about it here. Sometimes it is almost like gossip, or hanging out dirty laundry... and ultimately I just see this more as a... way to analyze my own thoughts more than actually communicate with people.

In all honesty, i'm not actually sure how many people read this... but that is why it is done for myself :)

No post last week, I kept waiting, hoping that something else would pop up and that I felt I COULD actually write about.

Well nothing came up.

Spent this weekend down in Denver with my second family and the girl I find unbelievably amazing.

But nothing on that front. Still standing on that cliff, tomorrow I'll make a push. I had a good time eating dinner, talking, playing card games, and just enjoying time spent around other people.

At the moment I am just catching up on homework, thinking about the weekend and this upcoming week.

Not much else to really talk about, I thought about the superbowl, but didn't find it pulling me that much.

Well that is life up to now, another update later this week when something momentous happens.

My Mirror, My Sword, and My Shield

Where to go from here?

I kneeled in front of the mirror... knowing where my heart wanted to be, but trying to understand where I had to go next. It's a scary thing...

I'm holding myself at the edge of a cliff.
The winds are rushing around me,
I'm doing my best not to fall forward,
and yet I'm determined to not walk away.

Waiting for those hands to reach out and grab mine...

I look away whenever I hear that thought that it might never happen...
Not like I don't want to face the truth... but that I am going to hold out as long as possible...
I won't give up. My heart won't let me...

But I won't just wait...
I won't waste my life...

I found myself putting Viva La Vida on repeat... It is second to Leave Out All The Rest.

I want my life to be worthy of the reason I am here.
I want to paint this beautiful picture.... write this wondrous story...

If it is the choice of God that I am here, then I want show him something wonderful.
If it is a random sequence of events, then I will take advantage of this opportunity.

I want to make this beautiful...

I'm looking around me, standing on this cliff, and wondering what is next.
I almost feel stuck, so how do I move forward? What is next for a good life?

Debt free? Home? Degree? - These things don't make a good life, just a smart life. They are tools and positions which give you more options.

Many will rarely take advantage of these options to create a good life. One doesn't even need these things to make a good life. I guess one of these things will have to be the next choice for now... consolidate, regroup, build up... It won't hurt, but I do wish the next step would appear before me. Life feels like it is getting shorter... oddly enough...

So... now I think... what is next?

While I wait on this cliff... and I consolidate my position...

Where is that next step!?

I WANT TO FIGHT!!!!

RAWR!!!

All day i've just wanted to pick a fight... get into an arguement... arm wrestle... something.

Something aggressive and strenuous.

I don't quite get it, but it is definately messing with my head.

So i've been looking at the costs for Half Acre to have SOMEWHERE to go to do something.

I'm tossing it around because as a part time student (Free class) I get to only pay 52.50 a semester as opposed to 192.00 anually as staff.

Good deal... but I need to use it... REALLY need to use it... like 3 times a week...

5-6:30 I'm thinking.

I want a track to run I think... place to do pushups/situp/pullups... etc.

At the moment I just feel like biting someone!

What Was It All For?

I grabbed that vase and I threw it against the living room wall.
I kicked over the living room table...
I pushed my bookshelf over spilling all my favorite novels...
I felt myself yelling... at the world, at my life....
I felt tears in my eyes... felt her looking at me...

HOW DARE SHE!!!

...then I woke up...

I walked towards the living room... I reached for that vase...

...and I saw that it was already broken.

I sat down on the couch... asked myself... asked God... Why?!

I sighed...
got dressed...
picked up my books...
put the table back in it's proper place...

...but I didn't feel her looking at me...

That Icy Grip

I awoke this morning to silence.

Being sick and unable to get sleep lately.... I completely missed my morning.

My room mate had already left for work and I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what my day was going to be like.

I felt that icy grip of loneliness grip me... I realised with sudden horror that I could wind up spending all my day doing nothing... alone.

That feeling begins to grip harder and I just....

Stop.

I didn't want to be this person anymore. It was boring, exhausting, and annoying. I was tired of feeling this way. I spent so much time sick and feeling mentally and physically beaten down... so I shutdown and did some repairs and improvements... the final one came this morning with the understanding that I can and will change my situation in life.

So I'm going to change my world. Starting with my home.

I'll update this post with pictures and more info later today.

UPDATE:

So I got a little done... I found changing things around proved to be emotionally harder than I thought... I walked out to collect myself... spent some great time with a good friend of mine and had cookies...

Then on my way home I ran into ANOTHER friend and we went out to have a beer and a few shots.

Bad!

It got me all sorts of emotional and upset... I wound up having a long conversation with a La Scorchita about some things...

And the world began to make a little more sense.

Still cleaning up around here... moved clothes around and got a few piles of stuff together.

Tomorrow There will be more!