Friday, February 27, 2009

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

"I did the right thing, didn’t I? It all worked out in the end."

"‘In the end’? Nothing ends, ~~~~~. Nothing ever ends."

This is the sum of countless thoughts floating through my head, and then colliding together in a huge blast that levels the field and leaves everything stunned... nearly dead.

I owe her.

I have to repay all the effort and energy she put into us...

Last night, attempting to sleep... but through a barrage of text messages, from my side and hers, I swore that one more message and I would walk downstairs with a knife and cut myself open for her because nothing else would satisfy. She wants something, it might not be blood or flesh, but she WANTS SOMETHING.

From me...

I had the thought in a sharp rise of anger, but it stuck with me today. Her moving, her separation, our arguments over stupid things that make no sense... the fact that she says I know exactly what she feels and what will push her... it's because she WANTS... me to push her?

Perhaps not to push her, but she is actively receptive to something from me... She wants something... and just assumes that if I say something it is directed at her... towards her...

Because she wants it... this thing. She is actively seeking it.

One more text message and I would have cut myself open... not lethal, as I don't believe she wants my death... but a good scar.

Is that it? To mark myself... to help her feel that she meant something to me? Some way to show that it wasn't all a waste...

Is that it then?