Low Start

7:20 and I am down.

Some people say it's chemical... waking up and having all the bad or sad things hit you in the morning. It makes the rest of the day look like an uphill climb that is almost daunting...

Or you fall, and just let the day get worse till you can get back to sleep.

The energy and effort to work out of it just seems so... much. As I sit here thinking about the good things in my life, an exercise I started to help counter these low moods, I can't help but wonder why these low times exist.

I've heard it said before that we are the most depressed country in the world... and with our freedoms, benefits, rights, and products... you'd think that should not be possible. But...

There is no struggle. We have lost our appreciation for freedom, food, life... With no one controlling us, tossing grenades, and shooting civilians in the streets... what value does anything have? Naturally, humans want chaos. The fear, the terror, the fighting... So this hole is made... this depression in our lives where that darkness fills and makes us complete.

I think we want the bad, because it always makes the good stand out so much more. The future always seems to look a little darker, but for many we can look back at our past and remember much better times. Those that can't... probably never had anything terrible happen. It's not that they didn't have anything good in their lives... they just never had anything bad to gauge it against.

I wonder if that is why I feel for her so much... because despite all the bad... the fights and the coldness... I actually valued each laugh, kiss, and touch far more. It would certainly match my current perception of humans... of myself.

I think that is why feminazis rant and rave about male oppression and abuse, but take the liberty to spout verbal abuse and generalize. Even in a society, American Society, where men are raised to be "better" than the rest of the males world when it comes to treating women properly.

Why people still reference slavery in America, but don't bother to think about slavery elsewhere... young girls stolen for prostitution into South America or women forced to submit elsewhere in the world. This need to keep it alive in the areas around us... yet ignore it when it's far away.

Some people state that they can't do anything about that here... but then why go on to parade around in an area where it isn't needed as much. Is it to encourage activity in foreign areas, or just remind people that they were bad, are bad, will be bad. Ha... It's like the church: "we are by nature sinful and unclean and have sinned against them by our thoughts, words and deeds."

But I digress... ultimately I think people LIKE the problems... the darkness. Look at Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and now The Watchmen... it's a sign of our desires.

It is our choices that make us who we are.
It is the dark times, the troubled times, that force us to make choices.
So without the darkness, what choices do we have?

Without the darkness... who are we?



Give them Pain. Give them Terror. Give them Death... and they will Dance, Love, and Live.

Each new generation strives to find peace and happiness, but in the end there can be no peace without a war. Our depression is nothing more than a lack of our own great struggle. We have no external enemy, so we turn against ourselves. Both literally and figuratively.

Thanks, I feel much better now.

The World Vs Me

And I stand in front of her.

Don't do it, this is wrong, your not acting like yourself.

Each of these words, phrases, looks, whispers...

yet I can't stop.

What is she, and why can't I listen to everyone else and walk away. The whole world will tell me that what I am doing is wrong, that it will NEVER work.

That I'm a fool. I believe in her...

I will stand in front of her, taking it all...

I can hear you!
I AM Listening!
I DO Care!

but I can't stop. There is no running from this. I will go to Japan, I will visit where I was born, I will travel all over the world for years...

but I WILL come back...

Even if I leave a wife and kids...
Even if I leave everything I own...
Even if I leave hope and salvation...

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
YOU DON'T FEEL IT!
YOU DON'T KNOW IT!!!

I have to get through this... solve this... understand this... fix this...

Because if I don't, my life will be ruined, soiled, forgotten, lost...

Wasted...

I feel God's hand on my shoulder... holding me steady... like we are almost there...

The flames are getting hotter, and the voices are getting louder...

What will I find on the other side?

Will I find myself alone? Will I lose it all?

For her? I'd do it... and it has come to my mind that I am willing to do this regardless of how she feels...

The whole world tells me I'm insane... but this needs to happen.

Update (The Morning After... with pills)

I understand people are concerned for me, and I appreciate it...
But this is something important.
I hope people can understand.

My Mirror, My Sword, and My Shield

Where to go from here?

I kneeled in front of the mirror... knowing where my heart wanted to be, but trying to understand where I had to go next. It's a scary thing...

I'm holding myself at the edge of a cliff.
The winds are rushing around me,
I'm doing my best not to fall forward,
and yet I'm determined to not walk away.

Waiting for those hands to reach out and grab mine...

I look away whenever I hear that thought that it might never happen...
Not like I don't want to face the truth... but that I am going to hold out as long as possible...
I won't give up. My heart won't let me...

But I won't just wait...
I won't waste my life...

I found myself putting Viva La Vida on repeat... It is second to Leave Out All The Rest.

I want my life to be worthy of the reason I am here.
I want to paint this beautiful picture.... write this wondrous story...

If it is the choice of God that I am here, then I want show him something wonderful.
If it is a random sequence of events, then I will take advantage of this opportunity.

I want to make this beautiful...

I'm looking around me, standing on this cliff, and wondering what is next.
I almost feel stuck, so how do I move forward? What is next for a good life?

Debt free? Home? Degree? - These things don't make a good life, just a smart life. They are tools and positions which give you more options.

Many will rarely take advantage of these options to create a good life. One doesn't even need these things to make a good life. I guess one of these things will have to be the next choice for now... consolidate, regroup, build up... It won't hurt, but I do wish the next step would appear before me. Life feels like it is getting shorter... oddly enough...

So... now I think... what is next?

While I wait on this cliff... and I consolidate my position...

Where is that next step!?

Holidays and Loneliness

Holidays:

Wonderful time with people I really feel has been my second family for the past few years. I've missed them... so long and I never really quite realized how much they meant to me till they just were not there. Christmas with two families who have just been an absolute joy and treated me like a son.

I'll be spending New Year with these families too. Crab and Prime Rib from the sounds of it. Games, laughter, stories, debate, jokes... i've missed it. Deeply.

Loneliness:

I guess you could say I was gone because I just could never really find a way to get another woman to fit in well with the family of an ex-girlfriend... in my head at least. I can't really say I tried too hard... part of me just doesn't really WANT to try. My fault. I guess I just was slightly embarrassed... for numerous reasons, yet none seem really important.

I said one thing in conversation: It wasn't the woman I wanted

I guess it makes sense... not trying, just letting things happen without any care, just... accepting of anything. Like giving up control over your life... not trying to actually build anything.

And just becoming more critical and callous over time was not something I liked. Nor do I think anyone else was liking it either.

So i'm alone.

Ah it has finally caught up to me. I don't feel single... at 1 AM this night... I feel alone.

A few feet from me a couple is asleep in their bed together.... it feels like everyone else I know has someone else.

This is a common feeling many people have, especially newly "alone" people. Typing this, and watching Richie Rich, helps...

But I can't help but examine why I did it, where I'm going, and what will be next. One day perhaps this will make some more sense and I will "get" this. For now this feels better.

It is time to feel this... what better time than during the holidays.

Time to feel it and just... let it wrap me in that cold embrace.

San Manuel Bueno, mártir

We presented on the first part of: San Manuel Bueno, mártir

I brought up the topic that Don Manuel was insecure about his beliefs, that he didn't quite know what to believe, but still pushed on for the sake of the community. That the author, and one of the characters in the story, Angelina, was noticing this about Don Manuel and was feeling for him. The whole town believes him a saint, and his decisions and actions show him to be one of the most beloved people in the area. So I felt that his insecurities would devastate this community. The title suggests that he sacrifices for the people so that they might believe.

Well I talked with a friend of mine, briefly, after class. He had taken the class before and I showed him the NIV and KJ versions of 1 Corinthians ch 15 that I had printed out. Told him what they were for and his words were: "Is that the story about the priest that knows the secret of life. That he doesn't believe in Christ, but thinks that Christ knew the secret too?"

So I was wrong, but that wasn't what bothered me...

During the presentation no one talks, no one discusses. I present this possibility forward and no one says anything. We have not read that far in the book, so the idea might still be plausible, but no one discusses.

Hell my Spanish isn't all that great, and I stumble around trying to get people to talk, or point out these possibilities... but all it seems I get back is silence, and the few people who decide to laugh or giggle.

Not sure if they are laughing at me, either my ideas or poor Spanish. It hurt a lot more the first two presentations (Which I believe my thoughts/perceptions were wrong there too). This time it still bothered me, "How dare they laugh/mock when they refuse to discuss?!"

I don't care if I am wrong, but it's the ridicule without correction that bothers me more. It upsets me because everyone is afraid of being wrong. That is how I have interpreted it so far. No one speaks, no one discusses, and everyone just sits there waiting to be told something. I'm not sure if they were mocking me, or laughing at my bad Spanish. But they don't contribute.

It had a negative effect on my class participation after the first presentation. I participated, made wrong statements, but still kept going. Then after my first presentation, I guess I just decided to not bother because I was putting forth my effort and not getting anything worthwhile back.

Same went for my second presentation. I tried to get the class involved and to state what they believe, but they wouldn't. Laughter was present in that one, but even if I had wrong beliefs or statements, no one tried to correct it. No one said, "Actually this looks to be true." It felt like just laughter.

I didn't feel embarrassed because no one had anything to say. After the second presentation I guess I realized that it didn't matter if I was right or wrong, just that I tried and presented my findings forward. Any embarrassment would be on my shoulders and that I had a choice in whether or not I would bare it. I developed this saying to myself: I'm never wrong. I'm just right or I learn something new.

One of the chief feelings when one is wrong is embarrassment and I refuse the bare that. Not for people who won't make an effort into a discussion or risk being wrong themselves. I'll feel it for those that matter to me, for those that I injure, but it seems like the Academic World brands "wrong" or "misinformation" as a sin or taboo. Those who are wrong or present information badly are mocked and berated. I despise that, and refuse to play that game. I won't be subject to someone's ridicule and attempt to embarass me... particularly when they are unhelpful.

I'm in control of myself, no one else.
"You think you control your life?"
No, but I control my body. Knowledge is important, but like strength, others need to know how to use it. I have gotten the feeling that many people who "Know" mock and belittle those that don't. Is this the bully system again?

I won't lie, it hurts that this happened again... and perhaps I'm seeing things that were not there, or reading things wrong... but I am proud that I wasn't embarrassed this time, nor as angry.

I did learn something in this class.

The Sword and the Forge

When I was a boy, I wanted to be a blacksmith.

I dreamed I would forge quality swords, that I was back in the middle ages working on weapons in the woods.

Weapons of excellent design. Weapons of such good quality that people all over the world would want one and would be proud to own one... or even know someone who owned one.

I was born in the 20th century, a man in the 21st century, and unlikely at this time to pick up blacksmithing. It is no longer the age of Arthur and swords are more of a novelty or collector's item.

I didn't stop forging though...

I feel it every time I shape myself... change myself.
The hammer on metal, the heat of the forge, the desire to be that perfect weapon... that perfect being.

This shaping takes a lifetime though, and each time the hammer meets the blade I feel the change take shape. I hear the metal ring in my ears, and I sense my body and mind have become something better...something truer.

*CLANG*
I feel my whole being shake and something new has happened to me... some new understanding.
*CLANG*
I can see the hammer meet the metal, the anger of metal on metal. The shower of sparks.
*CLANG*
I can feel the heat around me, I can feel the glowing blade shining in the dark.
*CLANG*

This is what I see and feel. I forge myself with every mistake, every truth, and every acheivement. I feel myself burned, heated, and remade again and again... always getting better. Each time the hammer hits it stays with me and sings throughout me.

There is no beginning or end to this process, it takes my whole life... possibly past that into my whole existance. There is not parts to it, as each part contributes to the whole. Perfection will be pulled from every piece, and all together this forms a unique design... nothing else like this.

When I felt tired today, I felt the forging...
I saw and heard the hammer hit the steel...
I suddenly understood that I am getting better...
Not yet perfect and possibly not in anytime I can see...

I felt the hammer hit the steel and I understood.

This time of my life will be tough, it will bring me to tears, but it will make me better.

Always Better.